Road to Ambition

Fresh Start

2008-04-26T13:28:00.007-03:00

If you're still out there, please update your links:

http://roadtoambition.wordpress.com

Thanks!

Culinary Confessions

2007-09-04T20:45:00.000-03:00

I'm pretty sure that the article encouraging readers to eat lots of protein and carbohydrates after working out didn't intend for me to eat french toast and bacon for supper. On the upside, it was multigrain bread and I had it with apple juice. On the downside, there was butter and maple syrup involved.

* * * * *

I ate McDonald's three times this past weekend. Once during one of six trips to pick up wedding stuff, once the day of the wedding and once after finally returning the last load of wedding stuff (two days after the wedding). On the upside, I drank water instead of pop every time (ordering an extra bottle two out of three times) and only had fries twice. On the downside, I had McChicken sauce and salt with my fries both times.

* * * * *

The wedding was this weekend and I ran my tail off. Six trips in the truck the day before the wedding, lots of lugging and hauling and setting up...then more the day of the wedding, lots of dancing and then tearing down and lugging shit back the day after. On the upside, I didn't have a minute to sit and likely burned a zillion calories. On the downside, there was a lot of yummy, junky food around to eat and I didn't always choose well. Vegetables were few and far between.

* * * * *

I went for a bike ride last night and another one tonight. On the upside, yay team! On the downside, bugs. Lots and lots of clouds of white bugs. I guess there's an upside to that, too, though -- protein!

* * * * *

I bought myself a new lunchbag last week. On the upside, today's bag had apple juice, an orange, porridge, a couple of Pirate cookies and some dark chocolate in it. On the downside, I had a cinnamon bun for breakfast and a bacon sandwich for lunch.

* * * * *

Obviously, I'm into bacon these days. On the upside, it's bacon! On the downside, it's bacon.

Full Tilt

2007-08-23T07:57:00.000-03:00

When I'm riled, I have a habit of listing all of the things I have had on the go...as if it somehow validates my tiredness, etc. One aspect of my perfectionism is that I think I should be 110% productive 110% of the time without ever, ever getting tired or cranky. When I am tired from go-go-going, it's not uncommon to hear a monologue (because, let's face it, nobody else gets to talk) like this:

So Thursday night my friend brought me the car and we went to a food / party supply place to look for bachelorette-party-appropriate candies and other things my sister might be able to actually use but then there was too much to choose from and she wasn't home when I called so I left a message with her mother in law -- have I mentioned that her in laws are living with her right now? OMG long story -- and ended up putting everything back and then going home and sleeping and working and then running home at lunch to pack and leaving straight from work and work was madness and then fly fly flying to the dressmakers which is near home and 1.5 hours away and getting fitted and oh the mirror was bad and my underwear was worse but it'll probably be ok if I don't wear socks and dress sandals the day of the wedding and then running to the liquor store and then to the drugstore in town to get additional goodies and OMG this water business is killing me because I almost peed my pants at the drugstore -- twice! and then I went to the surprise bachelorette party and it was awesome she was totally surprised and i broke a glass and bruised my arm and yay sober girl and then i went to mum's and stayed the night and then rushed out to breakfast with friends and then back to mum's to clean clean clean -- OMG I did the fridge - and then out that night with another dress fitting squeezed in oh wait this is when I wore the socks and bad underwear and back that night and up the next morning to clean and tape off the bathroom and clean some more and then a dry run to see about flowers and then phone rang and I drove like a bat out of hell -- it turns out for nothing -- and that was the weekend and I was a total bitch on Monday even at my meeting with another board member so I went home and slept for four hours and out for groceries and wrote a post and talked wedding business and then slept all night and Tuesday was a lot better although long day at work + home at lunch to clean because I had company coming for supper after work and then they came and it was fun and we stuffed our faces and laughed laughed laughed and then I went for a 15 km bike ride and had an encounter with a bat and then yesterday was wild too because I worked and ran to the store and home at lunch to make something to take to a work potluck last night and then back to work plus a couple of wedding-y emails and the potluck was awesome -- so fun! so much food! so yum! -- and then I went home and instead of a bike ride I went shoe shopping -- finally -- and found possible shoes for five bucks I just home my youngest sister can find a matching pair in her town because they were all out here and then I tried on bras and support garments and OMG what a nightmare did you know I'm probably, actually, maybe a DD not a D? and then home and my stomach was upset and then the phone and finally bed at eleven where I dropped like a stone and now this is my second post of the day and I'm wearing a tooth whitening thing before work and and...oh, sorry...how are you?

So. Yeah. It's been quite a week. And there's more to come...hair tonight home tomorrow plus work both days and hopefully a bike ride and more shopping (yuck) and a trip to the psychic (because what wedding would be complete without a few doubts about one's future / viability as a potential mother/relationship partner?) and then...Obviously, my inner monologue is very Finnegan's Wake without being of any cultural interest. That's the inner voice. That's the stuff that's on loop all day. The constant tally. And I continue to beat myself up for not doing enough and for being tired. I should be doing more to help. Should be getting more done. Should be riding my bike more. Have my financial house in order. Knitting more. Seeing more of my friends. And on and on and on.

Frigoreality

2007-08-21T00:14:00.000-03:00

So my lovely imaginary friend Weetabix posted about her fridge over at the Elastic Waist today. Her post included a fridge quizzy thing that asked readers to identify the writer / action hero by the contents of their fridge alone. Based on the information in the post, I made a few guesses...but then I got thinking. What makes me so sure? What does my fridge look like?*

Just for fun, I took a picture of my fridge to see if it would change my guesses...but then I realized that the photo is totally effing skewed by the fact that I picked up a few groceries tonight...so the photo isn't much help to me at all. Normally, my fridge is where fruit and vegetables go to die, and where condiments are archived for all eternity.

Regardless -- voila! My fridge!

Also, for those keeping track at home, you'll notice that there still isn't any DP in the fridge (25 or 26 days and counting). Lots of water, a little milk and juice, plus a bottle of ginger ale and some lemonade, but c'est tout! I wanted some today, oh God, did I ever. But I resisted. More water, less salt and it was a little easier. Not easy, but easier.

* Normally, the more important question is "what does my fridge SMELL like?" and given that I have company coming for supper tomorrow night it's certainly a timely one. If this was a scratch and sniff post, maybe somebody could help me identify the STANK that seems to be wafting from nowhere in particular...my box of baking soda has clearly had the biscuit.

Drive Me to Drink

2007-08-13T23:32:00.000-03:00

It's been 17 days since I had a drop of Diet Pepsi. Given that I was drinking 2 L or so per day, and its delicious nectar infused every moment of my day, I'd say that's significant. Given that I'm one of my sister's two bridesmaids, I don't drink or smoke and there are 18 days until the wedding, I'd say it's huge. HUGE.

Work is busy, life is madness and I have nothing left. No DP. No booze. No nothing. Nothing but food. Glorious food. And naps. Delicious naps. I'm riding my bike regularly too but chose a nap over a bike ride both yesterday and today. My energy levels are out of whack, I keep forgetting my happy pills, my house is a mess and I need groceries.

I'm going to try to fit groceries, a bike ride and shoe shopping into tomorrow's schedule. Plus work of course. I hope I can focus tomorrow. I'm half thinking about an early morning bike ride...might be a good way to kick things off. I'm not a morning person but I need to do it. And I need to figure out some kind of sanity strategy for the next couple of weeks. I'm going to take my bike home with me for the wedding, I think. It'll be important to get away for an hour or so each day to recharge and regroup.

OK. Off I go. Bed + sleep + bike + life.

Now We're Cooking (or not)

2007-07-30T18:26:00.000-03:00

I haven't had a drop of Diet Pepsi since Friday. I'm drinking water like it's going out of style, there are bottles and bottles of it in the fridge (along with a pitcher full of water), and I have an ENORMO can of Country Time Lemonade crystals to tap into if I really need variety. I haven't had any headaches yet or any other particularly awful withdrawal symptoms. I'm just JONESING for a can of DP. I'm keeping the Gollum-like voices at bay, by the way, by keeping a single can of it in the fridge. If I can resist it, I'm golden. Somehow, it's worse when there's none in the house.

It's amazing how many habits I have around DP, though. The first day (Friday/Saturday) was bad and the first day back to work (today) was equally bad. Tired when I get to work? DP. Coffee cart? DP. Lunch? You guessed it, DP. Bored (at work? never)? DP. Home from work? DP.

ARGH. Clearly, it wasn't a healthy relationship. DP was my sustenance and my reward. My preciousss. But I wasn't drinking very much water. At all. So here I sit. Halfway through my third (fourth?) litre of water today (plus lemonade at lunchtime), well-hydrated and probably feeling better overall. Still, somehow, I feel pissed off and deprived.

* * * * *

I enjoy the process of cooking. I enjoy the results of cooking.

I do not, however, enjoying cooking for myself.

I've been sitting here eating homemade oatmeal cookies for the past half hour, trying to figure out what to have for supper. Not cookies, obviously. What to have instead? Not so obvious.

I was going to make something with tomatoes (maybe pasta, maybe not) but that means opening a large can. Which would mean eating tomatoes again tomorrow. Who knows what I'll want tomorrow??

Solo gourmets -- how do you do it? Do you find it as hard as I do to prepare quick and interesting food? How do you motivate yourself to make something healthy? Starving minds want to know.

Drained

2007-07-27T19:00:00.000-03:00

I arrived home from Montreal at 4:30 this morning and I'm tired. I have four million things I want to tell you about but I can't seem to write about them without feeling like I'm using someone else's words. Mine are in there somewhere, but I need to sort them out before I put them up. Soon.

Crash

2007-07-14T20:42:00.000-03:00

I bought a bike a few years ago when I was looking for a way to take my workouts on the road, instead of in the gym, watching closed captioned episodes of Oprah and mouth-breathing along to Outkast or Kelly Clarkson. The bike lived chez L for awhile because we planned to go biking together but only got out a few times. As tough as it is for a short and tall person to match their strides when walking...it's a bit harder on the bike. I had to bike my ass off to keep up and I grew to hate biking at all. My bike eventually migrated to my place but didn't see a lot of action again until this year.

One night about six weeks ago I dug out my padded shorts, helmet and glove thingees, put my hair in pigtails and pushed my bike to the gas station for air. The little dude behind the counter pumped my tires (I would have done it, but was more interested in not blowing a tire before my first ride of the year) and I was off. Zip, ugh, zip....zip zip zip! Within a kilometre or so I was remembering how much I love biking...and finally realized that it wasn't that I'd hated biking, it was that I hated biking with L. Zip zip zip. I biked 14 km that night and another 14 a few days later.

The next day I went for a long bike ride with two friends. I'd gone close to 15 km when I was challenged by a rogue insect. I turned my head one way to avoid him but when I turned back he was still there. I turned my head to the right and lost control. My last thought as the bike went straight into a bank of alders was "don't fight it, just fall" and my first thought after the crash was "I bet that looked hilarious!" Still, I was surprised to find myself pinned between the bike and bushes, lower body a bit higher than the rest of me. Burning pain in my right thigh had me scared -- it felt like it was ripped open -- and I really didn't even want to think about the rest of me.

R hollered -- "J---! Are you OK?"

"I'm in the ditch." I laughed and cried as I tried to get up. No luck.

The girls helped to disentangle and get me out of the bushes. They were sure I'd fainted because I didn't scream or anything on my way into the crash, just seemed to turn and drive directly into the bushes. I checked my legs. The right wasn't ripped open, but the skin was stretch all to hell. The left thigh was already swelling a bit but everything was moving fine. The only blood anywhere was from a blackfly bite. I couldn't believe my luck and sat down in the middle of the trail where I laughed and laughed for five minutes. Seriously. There were grass stains on my helmet. The bushes looked like shit. And there I sat with barely a scratch.

After a few minutes, we got back on our bikes and decided to keep going. By the time I got home I'd gone about 32 km (about 20 miles), burnt the shit out of my shoulder and had this blooming on my left leg:

Sexy, huh? Amazingly, there's only a slight shadow where that exclamation mark used to be.

I kept riding my bike, zipping out after work more and more often, even talking to a cycling guru about about cleaning my bike, chain, etc etc. And it made a huge difference. I was pumped, loving my bike rides...and then, suddenly, ten days after the crash I started having pain in my upper back. Persistent pain that started out feeling like a tiny knot and developed into something I couldn't figure out. I kept going, figured it would work itself out, but eventually gave in and went for treatment. Turns out the joint between two vertebrae was irritated by my crash. My physio guy has been awesome and his colleague got me in when I had a flare up last week while he was on vacation. Things are A LOT better now and I went out this afternoon for my first ride in about three weeks. Yep, on vacation. I'm feeling pretty awesome about it right now and am looking forward to a HUGE ride tomorrow. Can't wait.

Here's the thing, though -- the first leg of today's trip was somewhere beyond awful. Not because I was in pain but because I felt horribly, horribly out of shape. I wanted to bike as hard as I did a few weeks ago but I couldn't. I started out too hard, pedaled like crazy and after only a kilometre or two had to stop. It was pouring, I was soaked, scared of falling and following my sister who is slim and strong. My chest ached and I couldn't quite catch my breath. We stopped under a couple of leafy tress and I squawked for a few minutes. I was almost crying with frustration. It was awful. E convinced me to drink some water while we were talking and as I guzzled water I realized that I'd been hydrating with diet pepsi for two days. One glass of water. That's it. I immediately started to feel better but I was still pissed. We biked a bit farther, stopped again, watched some ducks...got going again and finally reached out destination. A bit of lunch and a lot of water later, we headed for home with a small load of groceries. The trip back was AWESOME and I'm really looking forward to tomorrow's trip.

Oh, and bungee on Monday.

Two for Two (This One's For You)

2007-07-12T22:01:00.000-03:00

Fallow is an understatement, but it's still appropriate. It has been a year (plus or minus a few days) since my last post here and I'm getting ready for another vacation. I'm going to Ottawa and Montreal again, going to visit with my sister, planning to do some of the same things, but as a very different person from the one who went on last year's trip.

I've been thinking about coming back here for awhile and it's hard to know where to begin if I'm going to catch you up a bit. So, I'll start with a Brief History of the Growingest Year I've Had in a Long Time and we'll see where we end up.

Looking back, there are clues in the last three entries here at RTA that things were about to change. Hints that maybe I didn't see at the time, shredded bits of fluff that I dropped so I'd be able to find my way back and remember what it was like before...before I knew what it was the before of.

I'm going to be thirty later this year and who knows what the next year will bring? Travelling on my own (even if only a little ways) is something I enjoy and promise myself...but never do because I worry about student loan payments, etc. I don't want to be in the middle of something I can't predict in a year or two and wishing I'd gone.

The long and the short of it is that last year's vacation flipped a switch. I went to the beach, ate onion ring poutine, toured around, got lost, got found, bought clothes, laughed at my late night TV boyfriend, had the best sleep of my life and then I spent a day riding rollercoasters with my sister. I had more fun on my own that week than I'd had in ages, in my life maybe. It was beyond worth it. And then I came home...and suddenly felt like crap again. Kind of like this --

I've let myself go. Go so far, I think I'm gone. I can't really remember who I was before. Can't remember what the beginning was like, the good times, or any of it. I need to stop this.

I talked about breaking up with food because I wasn't willing to think about any other kind of break up yet. Or, at least, I wasn't willing to articulate those thoughts directly.

Sometime after I got back from my trip, and at least a few weeks after my annual trip to the beach, I mentioned to L that I'd been reading a lot lately. I had been hungry for it, I said, and it was great to feel full again. I'd read three lovely books while I was at the beach on the long weekend...two more since then and....what? WHAT?!

People. He couldn't understand why I bothered going at all if I was going to be antisocial. If all I'd wanted to do was read, why hadn't I just taken my tent and gone to the nearest provincial park on my own? He kept talking but the warning bell that had been chiming in the background suddenly swelled to a gong. Without even considering the bits and pieces he was letting fly while I thought about all of this...I realized that he just wasn't ever going to GET me. This was not the relationship I wanted. A bunch of other little things cropped up all at once and the way was suddenly very clear. I ended it. It was as close to mutual as anything like that can be, but in the story of my life -- I was the initiator. I made a choice for myself, for my life, for the children I someday hope to have. It sounds a bit melodramatic, I know, but I knew exactly how things were going to turn out because it's what happened with my parents. I will not go through that again and will do whatever I can to avoid it. I'll move to Tijuana if I have to.

The clouded, foggy feeling that accompanies this bad relationship...that neutralizes it...keeps me from following through. It closes back in around me as soon as I put my head down to avoid the people who are singing along to "I'm Too Sexy" and the woman who is enjoying her ice cream even though she is (I hope) bigger than I am. Quietly, I drop the movie in the slot and drift through the fog, across the street and into the grocery store.

Honey, I was sad. So incredibly, desperately sad. It had very little to do with L and everything to do with having let go of myself. I struggled to stay afloat until January, did everything I could to conquer my anxiety. I was taking a little pill, right? I couldn't possibly be depressed if I was taking something for anxiety and depression. But I was suffering. Painfully caught up in a cycle of self-hatred and frustration that snuck up on me. Like moving a train, I told somebody. Turning the engine on a platform, slowly, slowly, slowly. Slow enough, and a person on board might not realize they'd changed directions. I had assimilated all of the anxiety into my 'normal' thought process and believed the crap I was telling myself. That I was useless. Stupid. Lazy. Everything I'm really, truly not.

It wasn't until I found myself sobbing uncontrollably at the back of a friend's store, crying all through lunch in front of near strangers and wishing I could somehow blow my chest out that I realized something was wrong. Seriously wrong. It was so completely out of character and the worst of it came on so fast that I finally clued in. I called my doctor, called my boss and went home to sit in the bathtub. I changed prescriptions and I was a new woman within a few days. For weeks I couldn't get over how quiet I felt. Not numb or stoned. Just calm. I spent the next few months getting better, working well and finding myself again...and in April I moved into a new job. Same organization, just something entirely different. And better. I loved the people at my old job, but at the new one I love the people AND the job.

It was a tremendously difficult year but valuable. Holy shit. I'm myself again and I like it.

There's more to say, but I've got to sign off for now. I have to be up at 4:00 a.m. for a 6:15 flight and there is still a little bit of packing to be done.

Three more days...and then VACATION!

2006-07-12T23:00:00.000-03:00

SO.

I'm going away. Next week, I'm packing up my bag of tricks and I'm going to Ottawa and Montreal. I have big plans to walk around those two cities, take lots of photos, visit lush, see my late night TV boyfriend, go on some roller coasters and things, visit with my sister lots and lots, go to the beach, play with the dog...I'm definitely going to get lots of exercise walking and walking and walking around...I'm excited and thrilled to be doing something like this on my own (more or less)...

BUT...

Every time I think about it, though, I get anxious. I'm seized by questions like -- "What if I'm SO ENORMOUS that..."

I've been having little twinges in my chest lately...running a bit short of breath and things. It's ridiculously humid here right now and I have had a lot on my mind, so it's probably just environment + anxiety...but still. It's a bit scary, and I keep asking myself...

What if I'm so enormous / out of shape / ridiculous that I can't handle a 90 minute walk around Old Montreal?
What if I'm so enormous / out of shape / ridiculous that I can't handle walking all over either city in the daytime?
What if I'm so enormous / out of shape / ridiculous that I wheeze and choke and spend half my time trying to recuperate?
What if this isn't just anxiety and I have a heart attack on one of the rides at the amusement park?
What if the rides are all super small and I don't fit? (unlikely, but the fear is real)

Mostly, I think it's going to be awesome, and know logically that although part of it's weight related, most of it is just anxiety. I've been worried about a few things that have let up this week, and now I have nothing to obsess about. So I obsess about this instead. I wish I could turn the "what if" tape off.

The great news -- I'm on vacation and I'm finally going on a trip. By myself. Sort of. And I'm excited. Through the day, I'll be able to do whatever I want. Visit museums, go on tours, make a total nerd of myself. Doing what I want, when I want, wearing whatever I want...eating whatever I want. I know. I should be good, but I'll be on VACATION!!!

Any tips for dealing with these anxieties?

I'll post pics when I get back.

Money, Money, Money

2006-07-03T16:23:00.000-03:00

I have a strange relationship with money. On the one hand, I spend little bits of it without thinking. On the other hand, when it comes to spending money on bigger things, I can't. I find every reason not to. Certain things just sound too expensive, or can't be justified because of another debt, etc. I might want to do things, but somehow putting them off or saying 'no' feels like the right thing to do. Then, while denying myself the big thing, I spend just as much, little by little, over a relatively short period of time.

I'm planning a trip in a few weeks. I decided last month that I'm going to see my sister in Ottawa, and to see a show in Montreal. I thought about it for a long while and decided to just do it. I worked it all out -- and it should work. I don't have to spend a tonne of money while I'm away, and I can see what I want to see fairly cheaply. As I get closer and closer to my anticipated date of departure, and the airline continues to toy me with rollercoaster price changes...I'm beginning to panic. All I can think about is -- what if? What if I'm broke for the rest of the summer because of this? What if I run out of money before I even get to Montreal? My inner chicken keeps squawking loudly.

I know there will always be something that stops me, something that makes me think I shouldn't, couldn't, can't go...but I'm going. Anxiety or not, ready or not, I'm going.

I'm going to be thirty later this year and who knows what the next year will bring? Travelling on my own (even if only a little ways) is something I enjoy and promise myself...but never do because I worry about student loan payments, etc. I don't want to be in the middle of something I can't predict in a year or two and wishing I'd gone.

It's going to be a great trip. I just need to chill the (&%^ out.

Can We Talk?

2006-06-26T22:01:00.000-03:00

We need to break up, Food and I. It's the kind of breakup that I know needs to happen, but there's something so seductive...so charming...so fulfilling about parts of it that, hell...we never get past "Can we talk?" and staring at each other uncomfortably.

We were having a perfectly nice evening. Lounging around, not saying much, and getting along fine. And then,

"You know. You should take that movie back."

And

"Wear shorts. Who cares? It's hot out."

Before I know it, I'm halfway through the second gas station's parking lot and I'm sure everyone, especially that skinny one eating ice cream, is looking at me and the way my shorts are creeping up in the middle. The way my knee fat is hanging out. And that leads me to thinking about the one eye that droops. The haircut I need to badly. And then, the wind. The breeze touches my hanging chin gently and I freeze. Not in my tracks, but inside.

I've let myself go. Go so far, I think I'm gone. I can't really remember who I was before. Can't remember what the beginning was like, the good times, or any of it. I need to stop this. Stop eating. Start moving. Start over. Stop thinking that I have no work ethic. Stop thinking that I lose value with each pound I gain.

The clouded, foggy feeling that accompanies this bad relationship...that neutralizes it...keeps me from following through. It closes back in around me as soon as I put my head down to avoid the people who are singing along to "I'm Too Sexy" and the woman who is enjoying her ice cream even though she is (I hope) bigger than I am. Quietly, I drop the movie in the slot and drift through the fog, across the street and into the grocery store.

Ah. Sanctuary.

1 litre of chocolate milk, a dozen cookies, a loaf of bread, a pound of butter and a can of reduced fat pringles (silly girl) later, I pay my tithes and come home. To stare at the food and write to you.

I need help. I think. Maybe.

Maybe I need Shmuley to come and talk to me about being a grown up. About having a functional relationship with food and myself. About getting things under control and learning how to be satisfied. Why are so many things getting better, but this food thing just keeps getting worse?

New Diet

2006-03-12T22:01:00.000-04:00

What are the chances that Kate Walsh spends her weekends eating cheetos and chocolate chips to stay in shape?

If she does, that means I'm gonna be a hottie! I've been "working out" all weekend.

HTBAD

2006-02-20T23:12:00.000-04:00

Today is an important day.

It's Happy to be Alive Day.

Drop by Steph's place. She'll tell you all about it.

* * *

Celebrate the moment.

Remember that you're here.

Remember why you're here.

Appreciate today.

* * *

So glad you're here, Steph. Your encouragement means a lot, and knowing you're out there (a real live person!) keeps me coming back to this place, reminds me that I *can* do this.

Sunday

2006-02-20T00:31:00.000-04:00

I went to the gym again today.

This time, 55 minutes of cardio.

Third time in seven days.

I love how good it makes me feel. Love how much stronger I feel already.

Although I don't love the feeling that I'm going to jinx it just by talking about it.

So. YAY. But shhhhh.

Wednesday

2006-02-15T21:03:00.000-04:00

I went to the gym after work.

Again.

It's silly, but I feel like a rock star!

Imagine. A promise to myself that I actually kept.

* * *

PLEASE excuse the offensive mistakes/grammar/everything in the last post. I'm sorry if they made your eyes burn. I was a little all over the place, but I had so much I wanted to say! I swear, I can do better.

Rush

2006-02-15T00:36:00.000-04:00

So, forty days came and went I did absolutely, positively, sweet f*^$ all.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday, I went to the gym.

When I got home, I called my L.

"Hello?"

"Endorphins! Raaaarrr!"

"Wha--? Hey."

"I just got back from the gym and I feel AWESOME!"

"That's great! What did you do?"

"Not a whole lot -- just 25 minutes on the elliptical and a little stretching."

"Still."

"Exactly. Still. And I just wanted to call and tell you that you were right. As much as I didn't want to go before, and as much as I didn't want to hear you even though I knew what you were saying was true...you were right. Going to the gym makes me feel great. THANK YOU."

* * *

I am a meganerd. I have a whiteboard on the wall next to my door for reminders, typically:

* Don't forget - Saturday, 2 pm

* TP, Lightbulbs

* RETURN MOVIES, MORON

Last night, during my post-gym rush, I left myself a brightly coloured note in big letters that says:

REMEMBER -- Going to the gym FEELS GREAT

I may be a giant nerd, but I will see that message when I'm getting ready in the morning, and it will stand there, staring at me, and reminding me as I go out the door that I need to do it more often. Often enough that it becomes a habit again.

* * *

Going back had become something big. Something beyond me. Even as the idea of going back grew, everything about the gym shrank in my mind. The changeroom became more crowded. Equipment became less and less available. The women at the gym nastier. The gym staff less friendly, less familiar. The possibility of change shrank, too. The likelihood that I would follow through and go more than once shrank, and my faith in myself dropped like a dead weight around my neck. Oh, I talked the talk on occasion, but I never really got myself into a headspace where I could really imagine being there.

Sunday night, I tossed and turned after watching Grey's Anatomy for the second time that evening and thought about what I wanted the week to feel like. I've got lots to do and I wanted to have lots of energy; especially if it was already 2 am on Monday morning and I was still wide awake. It dawned on me that I had everything I needed for the gym. I knew where my sweatpants were. Could probably find a t-shirt and socks. My new sports bra was still begging for a workout, and my sneakers were dusty but sitting by the door.

I snuggled down in bed, ignoring the idea at first. Imagine! The gym. As if. But then I thought, What if? It was cold, but I threw the covers off anyway. I rushed around, found everything and stacked it in front of the door. There was no way I could miss it in the morning. I fell asleep quickly after that and when I woke up, I felt good knowing I was going to go.

* * *

By 4:30, I was tired and open to any distraction. A coworker and I talked about our post-work gym plans and our lack of enthusiasm for the task at hand. Still. I had my stuff with me. I had to go. My L knew about my plans (and would ask how I'd made out) and I needed to hold myself accountable. In the end, my coworker dropped me off at the gym and I was beginning to really lose momentum. The negative tape in my head was playing full blast.

This is going to suck. You know this is going to suck, don't you? You just live across the street. Why don't you go home instead? So what if you promised. Big deal. Go home, sucker, before it's too late. You don't really have time for this crap anyway. GO HOME.

But I didn't.

I walked through the door. I spotted a coworker (who happens to have lost a fair amount of weight in the past two years) as I stepped into the grocery store and he waved.

OK, J. Someone has seen you here. Don't let him see you dragging your butt. Take the stairs to the gym like you own them. Like you built them yourself.

I marched up the stairs and took another deep breath as I rounded the corner.

It won't be that bad. It's only one day. Half an hour. Sweat pas, ma dear.

Then, suddenly, a real voice:

"HEY! I remember you!"

And another.

"Look who it is!"

And another.

"J! You're here!"

All accompanied by smiles. All honestly glad to see me. All people I knew.

I could have flown to the changeroom, I was so relieved.

All in all, it was a positive experience. The uncomfortable thing about it was being stuck on a machine behind a mature woman in a thong/leotard combo. Think eighties aerobics wear thong/leotard. Add capri leggings. All in black. And put that woman between me and the TV. I hope the people around me didn't feel like I was staring at them. Honestly, I was just trying not to stare at the craziness directly in front of me.

Long live sweatshirts and baggy t-shirts!

* * *

When I left the gym, I stopped at the desk and said, firmly:

I hope to be here tomorrow. I will be here on Wednesday.

She will be too. I'm accountable. My gym clothes are already at work (I took them in this morning). I will be there again tomorrow.

Day 8 - Dig Deeper

2006-01-12T21:53:00.000-04:00

This week has been hit and miss. As you know, Tuesday was pretty bad. Yesterday was pretty good. And today? Well, today I got paid (good), tried on sports bras (gah), found one that sorta fit and was endorsed by a Canadian sports star (good, but the sports "star" thing is an irrelevant point), got my eyebrows waxed walked around like a goof with a red line across my forehead (bad), stopped at the mall's guest services desk to ask about bus passes and was served promptly (good), said thank you, turned around and walked right into a wheelchair that was less than a foot away, complete with passenger and driver (*&^%. Embarrassing. Awful. Painful. Dammit.), made my apologies and exited as gracefully as possible (good, considering), found the bus schedule and ordered poutine and onion rings and went home to stuff my face (so. very. bad.).

SO. Yeah. Crap. I'm sure there will be bruises tomorrow.

* * *

Back to the bra thing. I have a question -- Why would anyone EVER make a sports bra with anything less than maximum support for a person carrying Ds or more?

Just wondering.

* * *

Also, My Name is Earl cracks me up.

* * *

I've got a lot more to say, but am incapable of articulating myself. All my thoughts seem to come out as "Bleagh!" "Gah!" "YESSSS!" "pffffbbbtttt!" and "Yay!" (that's about next Wednesday, btw!). I'll spare you the details, and will come back another day. Night night.

* * *

Hi Mandy!

* * *

Edited to say: The Office is too much tonight. Grilled feet! Bubble wrap! Dwight Dwight Dwight Dwight Dwi...! "I have Country Crock!" All of it. I'm supposed to be in bed, dammit!

Ready? Set. Draw!

2006-01-10T21:55:00.000-04:00

So, I'm going for bloodwork in the morning. The written instructions from the local health authority told me not to eat or drink within the 12 hours before my appointment. My appointment is in eleven hours, and this evening I've had:

- too many Toffifee
- a handful of sausage rolls with ketchup
- lots and lots of water

All but the Toffifee were consumed during the past hour. Oh, and I took a sleeping pill.

Think I'll pass the test?

Go Back

2006-01-04T22:24:00.000-04:00

Referrer Logs are a funny thing. For months, “Stacey Halprin” has been bringing people here occasionally. Yesterday, they re-broadcast her latest appearance on Oprah and I had 50+ extra visitors and more today (Hi!). I remembered writing something about watching the show and, although I felt bad, eating junk food all the while. After the sudden influx, I decided to go back and see if I had said anything else. And you know what? I did.

The funny thing is, I didn’t write much about SH at the time, I had been writing a lot about my challenges; how I was challenging myself, and all of the things I was doing to defeat myself, too.

The biggest difference between then and now? My level of investment. Even if I wasn’t doing anything, I was thinking about it. Food and exercise were somewhere near top of mind. I was thinking about my behaviour in a productive(-ish) way, and I was getting to the gym with some regularly. And I thought about going to the gym more often than just on alternating Saturdays when I watched my $26.45 come out for nothing. Somewhere along the line, I gave up. It’s time to re-commit. When I do (now), and when I begin to see results (soon), I’ll be able to call this a setback. This is not the end of the road to ambition. I am back somewhere near the beginning, not the end at all.

* * *

So what am I doing about it?

Well, today was Day Zero:

To start, I got up and stayed up at 6:20 this morning and drank both orange juice and water before leaving the house.

I emailed a work friend before I left the house and told her that I wanted to go for a walk mid-afternoon instead of going for a snack.

I walked to work (woohoo!). In fact, I turned down a drive with a neighbour in favour of my walk.

I walked to (and from) lunch with my L today and, yes, my coworker and I went for that walk midafternoon.

I had soup and salad for lunch (and a roll…maybe two?).

As for not so good news, I had McDonald’s for supper. I haven’t had anything since, but I’m still thinking about having something.

Go forward, I’ve decided to focus on the next 40 days.

Forty days is manageable. It’s not forever, but it’s long enough to see a difference. Whether that’s a physical difference (lower weight or better fit) or an emotional difference (feeling better overall, and feeling more committed to doing more), it all counts.

Between now and February 14 (Day 40 – Weigh-in Day):

I’m going to choose to walk to work as often as possible. I might take the bus to an appointment tomorrow morning, for example, but I’ll walk from there to work (about the same distance as my walk to work). I will make that choice.

I’m going to work hard to drink less dp. I’m going to start by delaying it until after lunch. I worked on that today, but started my first one just before leaving for lunch.

I’m going to start writing down everything I eat. I hate doing it, but I’m going to.

I’m going to step back into this part of the blog world, write more in this space and actively read about people who motivate me. I’ve been keeping up with my favourites, but haven’t been thinking about myself when I do.

I’m going to clean out the cupboards and am going to plan meals before adding to them again.

I will eat breakfast.

I will drink lots of water, everyday.

I will remember to take my pill every day.

The gym. Well. I’m going to go once the first week, twice each of the next two weeks, and three times each of the next three. That’s only fourteen workouts in forty days. I can do that.

And yes, I’m going to buy a new sports bra. I’ll suffer through at least one workout between now and payday, and will invest in at least one that fits properly.

So. Forty days. I can do it. I’m choosing to do it.

* * *

Thank you for all of your support!

WN, you are such a great friend and we are going to rock 2006! This will be the year of focus and I’m glad I can count on you. Let’s plan to get out for a walk sometime soon!

And to the mighty mighty Stephanie, you are a star! You make me feel like one too! I carried your words with me today, and made better choices because of them.

And to those of you who’ve kept reading, including the lovely Eli who helped me find my way back here, thank you too.

And, finally, those of you who came here looking for Stacey Halprin. I’m sorry I can’t help you find her, but I’m thankful for the nudge your presence has given me.

2005: Year in Review

2006-01-02T22:34:00.000-04:00

I outgrew my sports bra.

I did not buy one to replace it.

I went to the gym approximately 7 times all year.

I kept paying gym fees all year.

I bounced my gym payment several times.

I still haven’t cancelled my membership.

I planned to get an MP3 player to help make exercising more fun.

I got an mp3 player(-type contraption) for my birthday.

I have not exercised once since then.

I have been 29 for three months.

I will be 30 in 9 months.

For a joke, I was given a set of scales for Christmas.

I was warned (i.e. told not to get upset because it was a just a joke), and although I get the joke about walking on eggshells, I'm still having trouble laughing about it.

Those scales (lucky me) are “off” by about 15 pounds.

Imagine the jump in my heart rate when I stepped on them after Christmas, but before returning home to compare them to my ‘official’ scales.

According to one set of scales in my house, I weigh 225-ish.

I can handle that.

(Especially because they’re about 5 lbs heavier than those at my doctor’s office)

I so cannot handle the ‘bad’ scale reading.

And yet, I continue to eat.

Somewhere along the line, I started justifying taking cabs to work a lot more regularly.

I live 1.2 km away from work.

I know I am a lazy ass.

Somewhere along the the line, I became embarrassed about writing here. I am not losing weight. I'm gaining. Like a champ.

2006 HAS TO BE better than 2005.

[Any and all encouragement would be greatly, greatly appreciated. Assuming you're still out there.]

What happened?

2005-11-30T17:48:00.000-04:00

I just received a "feed error" message in bloglines telling me that RTA had evaporated! Holy hell Batman! I hope posting this works!

Things here are okay. Very, very busy at work and outside. I just found out that I accidentally booked my MK Christmas party for the same time as a friend was having another party and I feel like a total a-hole. It happened because I'm busy, but I feel like such a dink. Fortunately/unfortunately, I've sent the invitation to so many people that I can't change it.

Gah!

* * *

So -- update -- still here, fatter than ever. Anne always has better words than I do, always leaves me thinking/saying "YES! Exactly!"

Also, fyi, I've posting a bit more over here, but the non-knitters will likely find it deadly boring. More here very soon. I know, you've heard that before. But I swear. Soon.

HELLO!

2005-11-04T23:51:00.000-04:00

DARLINGS! How are you? I'm okay. It has been such a hectic month, transitioning, learning, hustling my butt off at work. In many ways, it has been awesome. SO many ways. In other ways, because a lot of things have been thrown into perspective, it has been really hard. I lost another relative at the beginning of the month, the day after my 29th birthday. My cousin was 30 and decided that he didn't want to see any more of this, the world, his kids. I barely knew him, met him only once fifteen years ago, and know how much the world had already hurt him by then. Still. Empathy for him, sympathy for his parents...all of it hurts.

SO.

I've spent the past month or so wondering about my life. My purpose. My path. How to get from where I am to where I want to be. Where I'm supposed to end up. All of that keeps me coming back to these questions...

... How can I self-identify as a writer without having actually written anything?*

... How did I get so fat?

... What purpose does being fat serve? What am I protecting myself from?

... Actually, that's a very good, general question – what am I protecting myself from? Why am I so afraid of risk?

... Why do I feel dead inside?

... Am I, in my life, spreading myself too thin?

... How ironic is it that such a chunky monkey has spread herself too thin?

... Why can I commit to everything and everyone else but myself?

... Why do I often talk in strange, silly voices?

... What is that strange pain in my shoulder?

... Why does even the pizza guy give me hell about drinking diet pepsi?

... Why am I ordering pizza instead of going ACROSS THE STREET to buy groceries? (Hey, jackass! See Question 2!)

... How does a packrat end up with her comments in Chatelaine re: housekeeping shortcuts?

... Should I somehow, start all over, and become a teacher like I wanted to when I was five?

... Why do I always feel like such a fraud?

... How the F(&# do I answer all of these questions?

... Do any of them matter?

* Who says I haven't written anything? Just because it's not published, and it's not a novel, doesn't mean it isn't “anything.” What do you call that 80 page thesis? Those vignettes? Three websites (one long dead)? Huh? Not to mention everything I write for work!

Insomniac Adventures, Part 2 468 871

2005-09-19T22:35:00.000-03:00

I slept well on Friday and Saturday nights, and got the necessary "me" time for deep funk recovery. Last night, however, I wasn't so lucky.

I was awake until 6:00 am. AM.

I tossed and turned. Read until I finished my book. Worked. Knit. Watched movies that *always* put me to sleep.

"Always" is no longer accurate.

I somehow managed to fall asleep around six, and conveniently woke up at 8:44; a full two hours after my alarm was supposed to ring. I don't know whether I'm just an incredibly deep sleeper, but that always seems to happen when I really need it to come through.

Anyway. I've been to work, meetings and to my couch and I'm still up. Everything feels a little cloudy at the moment. I'll be surprised if this is even in English when I look back on it tomorrow.

I'm on a committee. I made a commitment to have a certain document ready in time for our meeting in the morning (success or failure on the committee does not directly impact my employment, although success might help it in the long run). And I'm too tired to do it. I've been tired, good and tired, since 2pm and although I've scratched and scribbled, I haven't actually written anything. I keep thinking that if I go to bed now, ok now, no really now, that I'll get up early and work on it. My meeting is at 7:45. Somehow, I don't think that's going to happen.

I hope you'll excuse me anyway. I have to go to bed now.

Burnout

2005-09-13T22:28:00.000-03:00

Two weeks ago, a friend of mine died in a car accident. She was one of those people who are filled with light. I didn't know her well, and haven't seen her for more than a few minutes at a time during the past couple of years, but the news broke my heart. It took a few days for it to break completely, but it did. Shattered there in the visitation room as I waited to hug her husband, also my friend. I had so much I wanted to say, but I choked on my broken heart.

That was Thursday. I got caught in a whirlpool of grief at the funeral home and fell apart on the way home. And then the news started coming in from the States. Water. Broken homes. Broken bodies. Broken hearts. I couldn't take it.

I started my vacation in the middle of all of that. I was off kilter for the first few days, unable to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. A long evening of wallowing over chips, pop and DVDs helped me fix my sleep schedule and get myself back on track.

I had a good week off in the end, but I'm still tired. I had hoped to start fresh, with meals planned and the fridge cleaned out. Early for work and happy to be there. Instead, I'm completely exhausted. The signs of a weakened immune system are showing, and I need to get things under control. I'm too tired for all of that right now. Too tired to get sick. Too tired not to.

So I'm going to bed for the night and I hope to have something a little "funner" to talk about in another day or two.

Thanks for being patient.

More soon.

Where am I?

2005-08-24T22:01:00.000-03:00

Pepsi-wise, I'm still working on it. I went on a bit of a bender on the weekend. I watched a season of Gilmore Girls on DVD and had lots of time to myself. Some people get drunk. I drink pepsi and watch television. Party on, dudes.

Food-wise, things are hit and miss. I make the occasional good choice -- i.e. bingeing on veggies and babaghanouj -- but I make a lot of bad ones. I don't dare get on the scale because it was up the last time I looked.

Exercise-wise...meh.

Otherwise, I'm making progress on the getting out of bed in the morning front. I have been to work within 15 minutes of my 'expected' start time every day this week. Given my track record of late, that's impressive. Sad, but impressive.

It has been a very strange week.

Tough

2005-08-18T20:23:00.000-03:00

It has been a rough week. I didn't mention it, but I was most disappointed about the cancellation of my mk event on Tuesday because the news came 15 minutes after the last bus left for my hometown. My grandfather's cousin passed away last weekend and I regretted not being able to attend the funeral on Wednesday afternoon. I don't own a car, and without that bus, I wouldn't make it in time.

On Wednesday morning, while reading articles about the departed cousin, I received an email from my best friend asking how the mk event had gone. I was choked up after watching news video and so I called her. I told her about the cancellation and my disappointment and she offered me her car. It's a nearly two hour trip home and I had just enough time to get there. She said the car was just going to be sitting in the lot while she worked anyway. I am so lucky to have her as a friend. It took me a few seconds to say yes because I was so surprised, and then I started making arrangements to leave work and off I went. I arrived home just in time. I'm so glad I went. I'm exhausted after a flying trip there and back yesterday, but I would have regretted missing it.

* * *

I come from a family of strong women, and among them, M. is almost legendary in her independence, strength and determination. In eighty short years, she travelled the world, had at least three careers before she retired, and in the past twenty years made a significant, positive impact on her community. She could be abrasive, but she was kind. She had a wonderful laugh, and strong opinions. She was generous, but always got what she wanted. She was a trailblazer and a role model for all of the women living in her shadow. I didn't realize how very much I will miss her until heard her voice yesterday morning, and listened in the afternoon as a sanctuary filled with her friends roared in laughter at the minister's stories of her life.

Alignment

2005-08-16T21:54:00.000-03:00

Today has been a day of highs and lows.

I wrote a first draft of a document that I know I can be proud of. The magic was happening and I remembered why I do what I do. Honestly, I haven't felt that in MONTHS.

Pepsi-wise, I held out until after lunch. Then, when hurrying to get ready for an event, I picked up a piece of barbecued chicken and a lot of carby, crappy goodness to go with it. I had a pop with that too.

At the last minute, the event was cancelled. I was disappointed so I called my L for cheering up. He told me about his plans and encouraged me to go to the gym. He was going and knew it would make him feel better. I was feeling crummy so it would help me too. I said I would, and guess what? I went.

I know! Crazy!

It. Has. Been. Months.

I really don't have very much strength or stamina, but I did it. And I feel so much better. I'm going again in a day or two.

All in all, it's been a good day for me.

How was yours?

Experi-mint

2005-08-16T00:24:00.000-03:00

I survived yesterday sans dp. That being said, my will power had consequences. Or did it?

Let's consider the facts. It's a Fact:

1: I went all day yesterday without a diet pepsi.

2: I am unable to tolerate mint once swallowed/as digested (I get piercing, nauseating headaches; see also "icy squares" and "simulated garlic/herb flavouring"). For example, I can brush my teeth with mint toothpaste, rinse my mouth with mint flavoured products, and even use mint body wash but I cannot eat a peppermint, candy cane, scotch mint, etc. I can, for whatever reason, tolerate mint in Girl Guide cookie and chewing gum forms.

3: During a class last night, I ate a peppermint patty (given #2, I'm an idiot).

4: I went to bed with a wicked headache, upset stomach, etc. But I was too tired to take anything and I assumed I would be fine by the time I woke up.

5: I was wrong. The pain in the back of my skull was intense and I spent several minutes in the shower massaging my scalp before I even realized what I was doing and why.

6: I felt better after several ibuprofen and a diet pepsi.

So, the question is, which one is the culprit? Was the headache withdrawal-related or mint-related? Probably a little from Column A and a little from Column B.

7: Regardless, I will not eat a peppermint patty from the Bulk Barn ever again. They are definitely on the NO list.

Another interesting symptom -- crabbiness. In general, I have felt quite unreasonable, intolerant and impatient during the past few days. That may have something to do with Fact #8: I forgot to take my daily dose of happiness on Saturday, but side effects of that usually don't last this long.

SO. The experiment continues, more or less, but today I've binged and had three dp's. Back to one a day for me for at least a few more days.

Thanks for all of your encouragement! It's helping!

For the Record

2005-08-14T22:43:00.000-03:00

It is 10:44 pm.

I have not had ANY Diet Pepsi yet today.

My head is aching, and I would love to have one but there is none in the house.

I could walk to the corner and get one, but I'm lazy and, deep down inside, really want to finish the day without one.

Of course, if the Diet Pepsi fairy came to the door with an ice cold can just for me, I'd probably inhale it, can and all.

In the meantime, here I sit.

Wanting, but not having, a Diet Pepsi.

Jonesin' Part Deux

2005-08-12T00:02:00.000-03:00

I made it through the day yesterday having only one dp. I had lots of water and though I felt okay, but I went to bed with a headache last night, and it followed me around today for a while too. I woke up wanting cheesies for breakfast, too. Anyway, I made it through the morning, pushing myself to wait, wait, wait and I did. After lunch, which was chased with apple juice, I took a break and had a pepsi. And it tasted like crap. Because it was expired. By six months. BLEAGH. So, I went on a hunt and found a fresh one. Much better.

Before going to the grocery store this evening for a few essentials, I made a list (a rarity, believe me). Top of the list? Pepsi. I bought lots of good things and made my way to the pop aisle. I looked at the 2L bottles long and hard. And I walked away. I decided that pepsi was allowed as long as I controlled the volume. So I wandered around a little longer until I found a case near the cash that had 591 mL bottles. I chose one, checked the date (once burned, twice shy) and paid for my order.

And you know what? I have been enjoying that one bottle since about 8:30. I figure, as long as I control the volume, and limit my access to it by not bringing a large bottle or a case into the house, I might be okay. I had hoped to cut all the way back to one a day this week but the headaches tell me that's a bit too much, too fast. So I'm trying for one in the afternoon, and will have one in the evening if I really want to. And that's it.

Frig, it's hard though. I don't think I'll give it up entirely, but if I can eventually get down to one a day and then only a couple a week as a treat I'll be really happy.

Keeping up with the Joneses

2005-08-10T12:02:00.000-03:00

Come into my office (work, not home) and you'll find almost a dozen empty Diet Pepsi cans under my desk. They accumulated last week and are ready for the recycle bin.

Come into my kitchen and you'll find another dozen cans. They accumulated last week and are ready for the recycle bin.

Come into my living room and find two more cans. They're empty too, and they're just from this evening.

There's another one sitting in front of my monitor too. In theory, it's one of the last ones.

After seeing these spiderwebs, and finally reading more about aspartame after being "encouraged" to break my habit by L and others, I think I'm going to give it a try. Mostly because I'm really tired of my can collection. If I could do something useful or crafty with them, maybe it would be different.

So, I started substituting with high test Pepsi over the weekend (we were out for dinner and I wanted fountain pop), and tried substituting yesterday while at work. I was doing pretty well, but came home after a meeting last night and polished off the last can of dp in the house. That made today Day 1.

I started the day with lots of water, drank lots of water through the afternoon and decided that one dp would be a good idea because it would be better to wean myself, you see, than to go cold turkey. (Some of the aspartame haters write that it'll take 60 days to get it all out of my system even after I give it up and I'll be cranky. If they lived here, they wouldn't dare say anything that mean. I'd have to pinch them if they did. Mean. Sheesh. They're the ones who hate aspartame. Don't hate.) It was great and then I came home. I wanted DP (part of the after work routine lately) but I set the vcr (I'm suddenly addicted to Gilmore Girls. Save me.) and went to be for a nap. When I woke up, the craving was still there but I was planning to head over to L's so I knew I'd be too distracted by swimming, etc, to think about it. Then plans fell through and I ended up at home alone. Watching TV, talking on the phone and DYING for a DP.

Guess what I did?

Absolutely, exactly what the doctor (and my supposed diet) DID NOT order.

I ordered garlic fingers, extra donair sauce...

...and two cans of Diet Pepsi.

*BURP*

Yeah. I suck. Actually, I don't. I hate straws. I just tip the can back and pour the lovely DP right down my unladylike throat.

Aaahhh.

Let's raise our glasses -- of anything but DP -- and toast to a better Day 2. Or should I call it Day 1, part deux?

2005: Summer of Self-Doubt

2005-08-07T19:51:00.000-03:00

One minute I'm fine; the next minute, I'm not.

I've pushed myself to take on new things this summer and I was really excited in the beginning, but I now I'm feeling scared. Terrified. Stupid. Incapable. (And fat. Have I mentioned fat?)

When I was seeing a counsellor a few months ago, the plan was to get a tune up. Instead, I think it made some things worse. In particular, she said some things that I consider negative and I've come to believe them about myself. On the one hand, I don't want to believe her because the sessions were, overall, not beneficial. On the other hand, I want to believe her because it feels like and answer to a question I've been unwilling to ask. That being said, I need to believe her and fix it, not believe her and stew about it.

So what did she say?

That I'm undisciplined. That, basically, the reason I never finish anything is because I'm undisciplined. That, as a matter of fact, my new business venture will likely fail because I'm undisciplined.

On the one hand, she's right. On the other, F*** OFF.

I don't force myself to go to the gym, to bed early, or to eat right. I don't force myself to get up on time and I'm often late. But am I a failure? Am I a loser? Honestly, I don't think so. And I so want to prove myself right and her wrong.

But I'm afraid her predictions are coming true and I don't want to fail again. I can't fail again. I can't let her be right.

I have to be right. I will be right.

Please let me be right.

I think...

2005-08-07T14:32:00.000-03:00

...I'm done tinkering for now.

What do you think of the new look? Better?

Fickle

2005-08-04T22:03:00.000-03:00

[Sunday - 2:05 pm]There was a post here. Where the hell did it go?

Basically, I'm playing with the template because I hate the look of things around here. Bear with me. I'll calm down soon enough.

j

Inventory

2005-08-01T16:05:00.000-03:00

I'm back from the beach, and with me I have brought:

A sunburn. My face is burnt all to hell. I forgot sunscreen, but wore my sunhat and jackie o's, so I'm burnt from the cheeks down. My forearms and hands are crispy too. I know I've said this before, but after 28 years as a fair-skinned blondish-redhead, you would think that I'd have skin protection down to a science. Sadly, forethought is not my forte, and I fell prey, once again, to a cool breeze. I didn't feel hot, so I didn't think about burning.

Rocket scientists of the world unite!

Anyway, I slathered on emollient and moisturizer last night and went to bed feeling like a greaseball. My skin feels quite a bit better today, although the red is still pretty fierce. I've got a meeting tomorrow night and I really hope it calms down by then.

T-55 minutes

2005-07-29T15:32:00.000-03:00

It's that time of year again. We're heading north for a weekend at the beach, and I can't wait. I love the drive, love hanging out on the beach, swimming, everything. I especially love getting away. Each year I look forward to the next, wondering how my life will have changed by the following summer. I'm sure that last year I hoped, among other things, that I would be in better shape this year than last. Unfortunately, that isn't the case.

I was looking at pictures of myself from past trips the other day and I noticed that I was definitely, definitely thinner in 2002. I thought I was ENORMO, but I had no idea. I am officially a fat woman now. I can't deny it. Even if someone were to guess my weight and think that it was significantly lower than it is, it would still be much higher than it actually was in those pictures.

When we head north next year, I want to be significantly smaller than I am now. HELL. I'd settle for just a bit smaller at this point. But this time it's not about settling.

* * *

Speaking of fighting the urge to settle, guess who got to go bathing suit shopping yesterday? MEEEE. Whoopee!

I went with a plan of action, though.

I talked to friends about where they had shopped, and I went where the “happy” was (Walmart, as it happens).

I did not eat before going. It was noon. I was hungry. I resisted.

I shopped alone. There was no pressure to hurry, and I gave myself an “out” -- if I was crabby and not having any luck, I was allowed to take a break or go home.

I wore loose clothing, including comfortable pants and underwear that did not make me uncomfortable to begin with. No point going in with my gut hanging out over underwear that make me cry for either a plunger or a pair of scissors. There's no way that was going to help.

I took at least 10 suits into the room with me in a range of reasonable sizes, and did not try on any of the solid black ones until the end.

Guess what? The first suit is the one I bought. I tried them all on, and only had to wrestle my way in and out of one of them. In the end, it came down to two identical suits in different colours. I came really close to buying one that was mostly black with a red band and white piping around the middle (honestly, it has a slimming effect), but I went with its twin in navy, periwinkle and lime piping. I'm really looking forward to wearing it.

* * *

Happy weekend. I'm leaving in an hour and still need to pack.

NBHHY

2005-07-21T19:28:00.000-03:00

Gefilte's arrival is nigh.

All fingers and toes crossed.

Thinking

2005-07-21T19:22:00.000-03:00

That I'm really tired of my bathroom smelling like the neighbour's smoke.

Dear neighbour, it's not what you do, it's where you do it.

Cut. It. Out.

Your smoking makes my apartment smell like ass.

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

PMS-ishly yours,
Your neighbour who probably won't ever tell you off to your face.

---------------------------

Edited later to say: Thanks to Mimi, I now think that any snarky notes to my neighbour could be written on the back of a sign like this one.

Sweat much?

2005-07-18T23:52:00.000-03:00

So, it's a lovely day in the neighbourhood, a balmy 22 C at midnight, with the humidity pushing the "feels like" temp to 30 C.

Gah.

Showering makes me sweat when it's like this.

All the same, I've been busy. I'm still below 220, and am still avoiding "bad" food for the most part. Instead of feeling like I don't have anything in the house when I run out of chips, etc, I'm more concerned about running out of peanut butter. Which is a step forward, I think. :)

I have a lot I want to say, but I'm tired and don't want to leave myself short on energy tomorrow. I hope you're all doing well. If you're looking for inspiration and affirmation -- making big changes is possible, one step at a time -- read this. Steph -- your progress is inspiring. You've been working so hard, and I'm glad to see that it's paying off for you!

Still Here

2005-07-10T02:44:00.000-03:00

I'll write more soon, but have to tell you a couple of things before I forget:

Delissio (Kraft) Balance pizza is awesome. Whole wheat crust. Low fat mozzarella. Roasted peppers. Low fat pepperoni. Low fat chicken sausage. Reasonable amount of fat and calories.
Staying busy is still helping me stay on track. I'm still down a few pounds, but haven't dropped any more.

More soon. I'm so tired that every other word has to be corrected.

Sending all of my best thoughts and encouragement your way,
j

Science!

2005-07-01T16:33:00.000-03:00

Bon Apetit!

2005-06-26T23:44:00.000-03:00

So, uh, does anybody want to come over?

I had a few girls over earlier, and there's QUITE A BIT of food left because

1 - we talked more than we ate, and

2 - I prepared too much food.

The good news is -- lots of veggies and things cut up and ready to for snacks! The bad news is, I want to stay up late, knitting and eating shrimp, mushrooms and babaghanouj. It's already 11:45 pm, and yet...my lack of supper is catching up to me. :)

Bonne nuit!

Sunday Quickie

2005-06-26T13:43:00.000-03:00

1 - Things are okay.

2 - My busy-ness seems to be helping me shrink. I was about five pounds lighter the other night when I stepped on the scale. Shh. I don't want to jinx it.

3 - Business is good. I'm hoping that a few people will come over tonight, but I'm not sure. I hate the idea of sitting here, waiting for people, and not having the balls to give up. I hope a few people come over, though. I need the practice.

4 - I was tired of the pink, so I changed things here. It's still not quite me, but it's closer at the moment. :)

5 - I so know Anne's frustration with her kickboxing class. I'm kind of scared to go back to the gym. In my case, I don't want to see myself in the mirror. I just want to go over in a little bubble, work out, see results, and come home. I don't want to see the litlte chickies in their workout gear, don't want to feel fat in workout clothes that used to hang off me, don't want to imagine that the people who were fat and are skinny now are thinking "you could have been too." I think that's what stops me. The negative self talk (aka "the voices") get really loud when I go back to the gym. And it's 30 C here today, so anything more than a leisurely saunter outdoors isn't a good idea. Fuck I hate it when I whine. This pissing and moaning really sucks. I wish I could just fucking stop.

Momentum

2005-06-19T23:58:00.000-03:00

My house looks like an F-ing bomb went off. Oh, everyone said it looked fine, but none of them saw the bedroom. I kept saying "oh, I'm sorry about the mess" and "for God's sake, keep your shoes on" and everyone kept laughing and dismissing my craziness. But I knew it was there.

It's still there.

The bed is piled sky high.

I'm so tired, but I don't have enough energy to go in and do something about it.

* * *

Today is Father's Day. Guess who forgot to call her father? Guess who took a minute to figure out why her father had travelled four+ hours each way to see his father today? Guess who felt like a real moron -- and said "Oh my gosh,I'm such a dink!" as part of her 'apology' to her father -- when she did figure it out?

* * *

It was beautiful here today, and we spent the day walking around a nearby historical village with L's brother, sister-in-law and her sister. There were lots of interesting things to see, and after five hours of walking around, I think I did my part, exercise-wise, for today. :)

* * *

I arrived home at 6 pm with only an hour to spare before a group of girls was due to arrive at my house. The project I mentioned the other day? Well, I've decided to start selling this. I've been frustrated by my lack of progress on my student loans -- in reality, I've made great strides during the past year, but I'm addicted to that progress now and need to see more -- and decided that this might be a good way to make some headway. I've only been at it (i.e. signed up) for about a week and things are going well so far. I'm giving myself a six month deadline and if things aren't where I think they should be (i.e. if I'm not getting a good return on my investment), then I'll stop. I'm really hopeful, though. Out there in the real world, I seem to know a lot of people. :)

So, I arrived home at 6:00 and had far more than an hour's work to do to get ready. The place looked, as I said, like a bomb had gone off. I threw a lot of stuff in on my bed, washed half my dishes and threw the others in the oven, scraped off the day's grime and threw on just enough makeup to look like I'd tried, and tried to set things up. Luckily, two very helpful girls showed up right at 7:00 and they helped keep me from having a tiny fit about whether product should go on the table or food. Everyone decided food should definitely be within reach.

In the end, I can honestly say that I have the best friends in the world. Quite a few of them showed up and gave me lots of encouragement, good feedback and had a great time trying everything. I have another little appointment tomorrow after work, one in my hometown on Wednesday, and hopefully a few more girls coming by next Sunday. I'm still a little freaked about the whole thing (when I think of it as chick stuff -- it's not entirely -- it kind of rubs against my feminist grain), but I'm feeling better now that things are feeling a little more real.

* * *

So, um, yeah. That's what's been happening. I've been so busy that my food intake has gone down, and I'm paying more attention to what I really want to eat instead of what's left on my plate or what I usually have. It's difficult, but I'm moving forward. Busier is always better. I get more done, and the momentum pushes me forward. Things are starting to feel really good again, so much more of the time.

Hope you're all feeling that way too.

Well, well, well. Look who's here.

2005-06-13T23:45:00.000-03:00

Sorry. Sorry I'm late. I got caught in traffic and...the cheque's in the mail and...the dog ate my homework...and...and...Honestly, this has been one of those weeks where the world rushed by at a hundred miles an hour. And a new one has just begun. I had to drop by and say hi to all of my friends here, though. I've missed you!

* * *

Obviously, I survived Wednesday night's steak dinner. Not so obviously to all of you, so did my L. The steak turned out great. And the marinade was a big hit. It was slightly teriyaki-esque, and mostly delicious. There's no real recipe, but I can tell you that a read quite a few beforehand, then closed the books and raided my cupboards.

I chopped 3-4 cloves of garlic, and about half an onion. Both were chopped and thrown into a large ziploc freezer bag. I added a couple of slooshes of vinegar, lots of coarsely ground black pepper, Montreal steak spice, some dried mustard, a bit of cumin. Then I went to the fridge. I pulled out the barbecue sauce (thinking it might have a smokey quality I couldn't find elsewhere in my pantry),the ketchup, the steaks and a can of ginger ale. I added two or three squirts of barbecue sauce and maybe a shot of ketchup. I dropped the steaks in one by one (there were three) and made sure everything was well covered by the sauce. There was a little too much vinegar, so I poured a little off (forgetting that there were solid bits in the bag and therefore losing some garlic and onion bits down the drain). Then, I opened the can of ginger ale and poured a bit in (maybe 1/3 cup?). Wow! You should have seen in bubble when it hit the vinegar! Anyway, after sealing the bag again (a crucial step for the absentminded among us) I massaged the works and folded the bag into another ziploc. Just in case. Into the fridge it went around 11:30 pm and onto the george foreman the steaks went the next evening. I used the leftover juice from the marinade to cook a few coarsely chopped onions, peppers and mushrooms. Be sure to cook the juices for a minute or two before adding the veggies to make sure that everything is safe to consume, then throw in the veggies, add a little water and let 'er rip. If all of this makes any sense to you, bon apetit!

* * *

There's lots happening here and in an attempt to pay off my student loan I've taken on a new “project”. If I'm not making serious financial headway in six months (i.e. By January 1, 2006), I'll have to re-evaluate.

I'll tell you more about it another day. In the meantime, I'm off to read a new book – Sylvanus Now. I read Downhill Chance by Donna Morrissey (also author of SN) last week and it was wonderful. If you want a book that leaves you with your heart in your throat in the very best of ways, written by an author who really 'gets' her characters, Downhill Chance is a great book. It's about families in two Newfoundland outports during and immediately following the second world war. The characters, particularly Clair and Luke, were so vivid that I was left wishing they were real so I could find out more about them. [ DM, by the way, is the author of Kit's Law -- a book that left me breathless when I read it several years ago, and which got a lot of attention when it first came out ]

* * *

OK. More soon.

Mwah, mwah. Good night.

Let's hope this isn't a big mis-steak...

2005-06-07T23:31:00.000-03:00

Cross your fingers for me.

I just made my very first marinade. I added a little bit of this and a little bit of that, throwing in ginger ale and a a bit of barbecue sauce for good measure. The steaks have been added and the works have been double-bagged. By 6:30 tomorrow night I'll have either poisoned myself and my guest or it will all be a smashing success.

Let's hope for the latter, shall we?

Please.

Funny how that works

2005-06-05T23:14:00.000-03:00

I didn't think I was making any progress, list-wise. I kind of let it slip my mind for a day or two, but you know what? I'm doing great!

A. Weight/Health

Buy vegetables for salads and green beans for snacks

CHECK!

Set after-work snack out on the cupboard in the morning (i.e. just one granola bar, not the box)

I'm working on this one. One day when I arrived home ready to gnaw my arm off, I actually reached for a granola bar and water instead of a gallon of pop and whatever chip-type-product was within reach. Go me!

Walk for an extra hour on three days

This really hasn't happened. It should have, but I've been busy/lazy

B. Clean House

Clean out the fridge

Hurray! I know (I think) what That Smell was! Woohoo! Although the fridge hasn't been wiped down, all things with stink potential have been thrown out (i.e. week old greens and suspect cheese).

Scrub the tub

I did it! The tub, the floor, the walls, all of it! The bathroom is sparkling!

Clean off That Chair

The chair is still there, still loaded with junk, and now the coffee table is infested with junk too. Baby steps, though. I think it will be tomorrow's job.

C. Stay Happy

Read and/or knit every day.

DONE!

Call Mum.

I saw her yesterday.

Make plans with a friend for next week.

CHECK!

I'm going to keep working on these and hope to get a good walk in tomorrow after work.

And now, off to bed! I'm asleep at the wheel here.

Making Room to Breathe

2005-06-01T23:17:00.000-03:00

Things are okay. The weather has finally take a turn for the better, and suddenly patios are open and cutting off sidewalks everywhere. Everyone who has been hibernating all winter and through this recent and seemingly neverending deluge has come out to enjoy the weather. It's great. I love the way the speed of things seems to pick up and slow down at the same time. I love hanging out on the patios, drinking a cool and sweating glass of diet pepsi and shooting the breeze with a friend. I love the way the trees seem to be leaning in to get a better look as I wander the sidewalks, absent-mindedly admiring the birds and greeting the cats and dogs who live along my going-to-work route. I love, too, that in addition to the smell of fresh grass clippings, possibility seems to be in the air. Sure, I'm still afraid to step on the scales, but I feel so much better about things.

I've been doing well at work lately; making lists every week of the things that need to be done, and not just of the big things. I'm breaking it down, step by step. Sure, Project A needs to be done eventually, but doing Steps 1 and 2 this week will be enough to stay on track. So I do them. And check them off. And feel good when I don't have to carry them forward the next week. I'm working on building the same kind of plan at home. Somehow, I'm organized at work (I'm just starting to admit that to myself) and I really need to be at home too. So that's my next step.

To Do:

(1) Make a list of goals

A. Lose weight/get healthy

B. Keep the house clean

C. Stay happy

(2) Identify 3 action items for each for the week (they can be small)

A. Weight/Health

Buy vegetables for salads and green beans for snacks
Set after-work snack out on the cupboard in the morning (i.e. just one granola bar, not the box)
Walk for an extra hour on three days

B. Clean House

Clean out the fridge
Scrub the tub
Clean off That Chair

C. Stay Happy

Read and/or knit every day.
Call Mum.
Make plans with a friend for next week.

(3) Review the list every day (even if not planning to do any of the things on it that day)

“Stop worrying about the scale, dammit!” fits in there somewhere too.

It's funny, I was going to make the list another day, but all of this makes sense. It's a place to start. Things to check off as I go. Why the hell not? There are other things on my lists, under those subheadings, like spending enough time with L, getting to my niece's birthday party, etc, but I know those things will be taken care of. It's me that I need to worry about now and, really, all of those goals, etc, fit under “Stay Happy”.

I don't think I believed I would even make the list until I did.

I'm proud of myself just for making the list. Imagine. Points for me!

(PS - Please excuse the funky formatting. I'm tired and this looked great until I tried to post it.)

Yo-yo...

2005-05-25T18:55:00.000-03:00

Lloyd told me about the connection between "yo-yo" dieters and distraction on Monday night, hours before I read this article in the Globe & Mail.

I'll tell you -- I identify with that woman. I am tortured by distraction, and have wondered if there was a connection between adhd and me... and I'm not just saying that about dieting/chasing the wagon. I mean, if you could see my house...no, if you could follow me around for a day and just pick up or make note of the things I stop doing because I'm distracted by something else...well, your hand would fall off from the effort of it.

I am followed by a wave of clutter and debris wherever I go. Dishes are half done, tubs are half cleaned, don't get me started on laundry...I go looking for a bag to take some things to work in and don't notice until I've done it that I've unpacked my gym clothes to make room for junk. I had time in my schedule for the gym, but I thought I needed the bag more.

A lot of times, it's a matter of momentum. If I can get the momentum going, I can keep it going. But pique my interest in anyway and I almost completely forget what I was doing.

My life is a series of questions -- "what am I doing here?" "where was I going?" "what was I supposed to get?"

I do better at the grocery store when I have forgotten a whole list of things than when I I go in purposefully looking for one or two things. I can't count the number of times I've stood in the entryway at the grocery store and cursed myself for spending $50 on everything but the thing I went in for.

I have systems in place, but not enough of them to keep all of the balls in motion. My keys are on a springy ring (at university, people wore them around their wrists so they could wear pajama pants everywhere) and I always hang them on the doorknob when I come in. It helps. I rarely spend time looking for my keys (if I'm distracted when I come through the door, they might end up in a coat pocket), and I always see them when I reach for the doorknob. And if all else fails, they make quite a racket when the door swings open and closed, and I feel the spring in my hand when I grip the knob.

I buy notebooks and notepads and they work for a page or two. But I inevitably find myself wondering what the hell I'm at the store for.

I've started a great new system at work, and I've felt more productive during the past two weeks than I have in months...and today I finished a project that has been overdue for months. All because of my new system. I know what I'm like, though. It'll work for a few weeks, a few months...and then something shiny will hit my radar and everything will fall apart.

Just like it did with the gym. I keep f-ing up the plan. I'm not saying it's because of adhd...even if it is, I don't think I could admit it to myself. I feel like...I know that it's my fault I keep f-ing up. I just don't know how to stop it. I try and try and yet here I sit. Telling you again that I've failed.

I'm a big dork, but...

2005-05-23T16:14:00.000-03:00

...it feels pretty surreal to be able to post an entry, or even surf the net, from home without either (a) taking 45 minutes just to check email and post a two line entry on my laptop or (b) worrying about taking too long. I've still only got dial-up, but the difference between my old laptop and the speed of this machine is like night and day. My mind is kinda blown over here.

More to come.

(Woohoo!)

RTA, meet the 21st century!

2005-05-20T19:07:00.000-03:00

Big news here at RTA. I have bought a new computer. I am getting highspeed web access at home soon. I SWEAR you're going to hear a lot more from me. I'll be access my email more regularly again (a problem in the last few weeks), and I really, really hope to make this place a little more homey. I think it's pretty homely at the moment. And it's been so long since my last post that...it's pathetic.

Thanks for being patient -- and thanks for the emails. If I owe you one, I'll be writing to you very soon.

* * *

In other news, my copy of Tales from the Scale came in this week. I picked it up yesterday and am looking forward to spending some quality time with it over the weekend. I've been reading lots of good stuff, actually. Can't wait to tell you all about it.

More very soon. Swear.

2005-05-03T16:32:00.000-03:00

This story is so much like my cousin’s that it terrifies me. Although I would do my best to honour her, it is not my place to tell her story. I can tell you, though, that I have been aware of and have worried about my long-term reproductive health since first hearing about my cousin’s diagnosis. I was only twelve, if that, and barely aware of all that reproduction entailed. While everyone was being taught to manage the risk of STDs, etc, I was learning that even if I did nothing, even if I locked myself away, avoided all risk, it might not matter. The wheels might already be in motion.

The more I have learned about my family, the more I have worried.

Ovaries, uteruses, cervixes.
Cancer, miscarriages, endometriosis.
Life. Death. Maybe.

These are the topics of conversation at family functions, in the back room where the women talk about their real lives. I’ve learned about a young aunt’s long ago death from the same disease and all of the trouble other aunts and cousins have had over the years. I have lost both my cousin and her mother to cancer. Although much of the reality of these cases has been lost on me because of the miles that separated us or my age (who knows what was kept from me or misunderstood), their genetic and familial proximity have made cancer and reproductive health my white elephant. They follow me wherever I go. It feels, now, like all I can do is wait and see.

I had a baseline ultrasound at age twenty-five, have a pap and exam at least once (but more often twice) per year, and have reached my cousin’s age at the time of her first diagnosis. Everything feels so close and it feels, now, like all I can do is wait and see. I’ve been lucky so far, but I’m still scared.

For now, though, I'll pray, in my way, for her. Hope you can too.

2005-05-03T10:59:00.000-03:00

I’m beginning to think that I’ve completely lost my ability to write (not to mention function). Obviously, I’m able, occasionally, to put one letter after another, one word after the next…but it rarely adds up to more than an email or an entry here. And even those have all but stopped. All of my emails and all of the entries I start (but don’t finish) begin with “I haven’t forgotten about you.” I could blame it on a hundred things, but I lose steam after the first two and end up feeling worse.

I’ve had trouble settling at night, and find myself slipping into old patterns. The feelings and images connected to my anxiety bubble just below the surface almost constantly. I walk through my life wondering when these anxious feelings are going to go away, when I’m going to feel motivated again…beating myself up for not being able to keep my shit together for more than a day or two at a time, and not having enough get up and go to realize that it only takes a day or two. I just have to do a day or two in a row over and over again.

I was doing pretty well…packing my clothes in the morning, going to the gym right after work and at least thinking about what I was eating. The last week, though, has been a bust. I didn’t get to the gym and I ate the better part of two big bags of chips over the weekend. I dreamed that I stepped on the scale and found myself another thirty pounds heavier and couldn’t believe it was possible. I hardly dare get on the scale again now for fear that it might be true. Given that I’ve gained 40 lbs in the past year, I know it’s possible. Another thirty pounds could come on in a flash. And yes, I know that eating two big bags of chips is going to make it happen even faster, but I didn’t make that connection in the moment. I’m making it now, though.

Last night, as I was trying to fall asleep for the second time (after giving up and going out to the couch to read Merilyn Simonds’ The Holding for a while), I finally came up with a way to describe my anxiety. I don’t mean the pulsing, racing ache of it…but the weight of it. What it feels like to carry it around inside of me for days.

Imagine sitting in a classroom and functioning perfectly well as a student. You know the rules: sit quietly, work hard, participate, raise your hand when you have a question or to indicate your presence. Things are going well, you’re making progress, making friends, getting your work done. One day, the teacher asks a question and you raise your hand to answer. The teacher calls on you and you answer, but your arm stays up. You know it’s strange, but the bell rings and the classroom clears. Your arm is still in the air and although you want it to come down, up it stays. It’s getting heavy, and awkward to gather your things and make your way through the halls and home.

Your arm stays up for days. It’s heavy at first, then tired, then numb. You’re able to function okay in the beginning, using your free hand to get other things done…and there are situations where having your arm in the air is normal and you fit in again, albeit briefly. When that happens, it’s a relief. But when the moment passes and your arm is still in the air, the frustration returns. Eventually, you stop using your other hand to do anything other than prop up the hand up there. Somewhere along the line, the hand up there relaxes and could come down…but now the free hand it propping it up and you don’t notice. You’re kind of used to it now, and when you finally realize that your arms can come down, you know, too, that it’s going to hurt. Both arms are going to tingle, ache and swell. You’ve gotten used to the awkwardness, so used to it, in fact, that you think things might as well stay that way.

That’s kind of what it’s like.

2005-04-25T17:15:00.000-03:00

Beth is so right. It's just a matter of working at it. I still can't help wishing all of this was easier, though. It will be, eventually, if I keep working at it. It's just the tough, crappy bits when I don't feel like it that get me into trouble.

I've got more to say about Beth's entry, actually...more about our culture's strange perception of people who've lost weight and how they did it, but I'm out of time for now.

2005-04-25T17:11:00.000-03:00

The Longest Mile boys did it! Congratulations Jon and Ken!

2005-04-20T23:00:00.001-03:00

Measurements! Measurements! Measurements!

Click on the image in the sidebar to see me (rendered in excel, roughly proportionate...although not so square in real life) in all my tubby glory.

My weight is up, btw, but some of that can be attributed to my return to the gym. I hope, anyway.

I'd better publish this now before I chicken out.

2005-04-19T18:52:00.000-03:00

Slight delay on the measurements, etc. They’re coming, though.

* * *

I was quite sick from Thursday through Sunday, and am still suffering (originally “stuffering”) from stuffy nose, cough, etc; but nothing compared to the plague I had over the weekend. I’ve been lucky this winter compared to past years, but it knocks me out every time. And I’m such a frigging baby about it, too.

I made it to the gym twice (three times?) last week before the cold caught up with me, and I took yesterday off too. Going to work was enough exercise considering I hadn’t been awake for more than 3-4 hours at a stretch (and at most) since Friday/Saturday. So I’m going to the gym after work today (ETD: 3 minutes) and am planning to take it easy. I just need to do enough to get me there and make it worth my while (i.e. 30 minutes).

2005-04-13T16:58:00.000-03:00

I had a restful weekend. Lots of movies, and the right mix of time with my L, another friend, and myself. I also had a couple of good sleeps, which helps make up for the write off that the past two nights have been. Despite my best intentions (including the aforementioned rest, lots of water and vitamin C), I am getting a cold. It feels like a fish tank has been installed in place of my head. Everything is swishy and thoughts, sounds, words come and go through a wall of water.

The good news is – I’ve been to the gym twice this week, cold and all! I went to ball on Monday* and did 15 minutes on the elliptical.** On Tuesday, I was back again for 30 minutes on the elliptical. I was quite sore from the day before so I did enough to reinforce the habit and break a good sweat. I’m taking today off and will be back tomorrow to do at least 30 minutes, with another 60 on Friday.

* Ball was brutal on Monday. I really noticed how much worse I am at it than when I first started.*** I was fine for most of the class, but found some of the moves (i.e. the gd plank) really frustrating, and at times noticed that my blood pressure had to be through the roof. My head ached as I moved on and off the ball (i.e. from a push up position) and I had to stop a couple of times until things returned to normal. I’m determined, though, to stay with it and not give up. Ball is the answer. It makes me strong and helps me stay motivated. I’ve got to keep going so I really see and feel the results.

** MuchMoreRetro was playing on one of the TVs and my 15 minutes on the elliptical was perfectly timed. They played several of my early 1990s favourites, including C+C Music Factory’s Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now), Black Crowes’ Hard to Handle, and Tesla’s Signs. It really pumped me up, but I always find it strange that 10/15 year old music is “retro”. That bit made me feel a little old.

*** Speaking of which, as of this Friday it will be 18 months since I joined the gym. I’m thinking of setting some goals based on the two year mark (October 15). My plan, as of this moment, is to track down one of my measuring tapes (I own at least three), take my measurements, weight, etc, and post them with my specific goals for October 15. Taking It Off finished for the season on Sunday night and the participants all made such progress in six months that I know I can do it if I just stay focused. Anybody want to do it with me?

* * *

Pop culture business:

Spanglish – I really liked this movie. As far as romantic comedies go, it deserves two thumbs up. The characters were great and I loved the set up. It really cheered me up and I feel no guilt about watching it. I would even watch it again.

Sideways – Believe the hype, but don’t be surprised if your initial reaction is “meh.” It’s a little “meh” in places, laugh out loud funny in other places and really strong overall. Ultimately, it’s a movie about real friendship between men, moving on with your life, and finding your way. Oh, and wine. Lots and lots of wine.

Finding Neverland – First of all, can I be Kate Winslet when I grow up? Second, if so, can Johnny Depp be my boyfriend? Honestly, I loved this movie. Oh, sure, Pirates of the Caribbean was JD’s most delicious movie, but this one was wonderful. The whole movie. Everyone in it. The story. The fart jokes in the outtakes. ALL WONDERFUL.

In other news, I fully enjoyed Third Watch on Friday night. And last night I finally caught up with Blind Justice and Little House on the Prairie (the new miniseries on ABC) I taped last week/over the weekend. I will always been a dork for LHOP. I can’t help myself.

* * *

Send extra good thoughts here and here.

2005-04-08T16:38:00.000-03:00

I have not been to the gym this week. I am not beating myself up about that. I’ll only get myself in a mess if I keep pushing myself further when I’m already this exhausted. I slept 9+ hours two nights this week and I am still tired.

Another (painful) symptom of my exhaustion/stressed out immune system, my mouth is filling with canker sores. Man! I hate those suckers! I don’t get little ones, either. I end up feeling like my teeth are going to fall out, or as if my mouth is going to cave in at any moment. I have to start with the special mouth rinse tonight to help soothe and get rid of them before they get any worse.

Colds and flus are springing up around me, and I was met a lot of new people earlier this week, so I know my risk of illness is high. I have to be realistic, even though I hate being all doom and gloom about this.

Being realistic means getting some activity this weekend, but getting more sleep than anything. I’ll drink lots of water, load up on vitamin C and rest. I cannot get sick. I refuse.

* * *

Pop culture poop:

I’m going to try to rent Spanglish and Sideways on the way home. I hope I’ll like them. I wanted to see both when they were in theatres, but wasn’t able to get my act together. I’m not even sure that Sideways came here, actually…
I have been listening to the Ray soundtrack almost non-stop for a week. My new favourite of his is “Hallelujah (I love her so)”; my forever favourite is “You Don’t Know Me”.
If you’re a Third Watch watcher, be sure to watch (watch watch watch) tonight. It’s going to be a good one!
Finally, re: West Wing – YESSS!!! The season finale was everything I hoped for. Only five months until the season premiere!

* * *

Happy weekend everybody!

2005-04-05T23:12:00.000-03:00

If you were here this week and struck up a conversation with me, I’m afraid my half of the conversation would go something like this:

Oh. Mah. Gad. You wouldn’t believe it if I told you no really you wouldn’t I’m just so tired and everything is so CRAZY! and I’ve been working! every night! until six! or seven! or eight! and then I get home! and just feel so meh…hmm…I hate feeling meh and I want to go to the gym but I can’t by the time I get home because I’ve lost my mind and the last thing I want to do is get changed and sweat in front of a tv when I’ve already missed my favourite crap tv so then instead when I’m home I shower or bathe and read a magazine or a book or work on so and so’s birthday present and everything is just so crazy because seriously I’m so tired from work you don’t even know it’s so busy and crazy and oh frig it’s So! Much! Fun! but man I’m tired and blahblahblahblahblahblah zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

So, um, yeah. I’ll be sparing you from all of that for a few days.

2005-04-01T16:44:00.000-04:00

I am: extremely tired.

I know: you’ve read this far.

I have: blue eyes.

I wish: I had less neck fat.

I hate: it when I hate. It’s not worth it.

I miss: my Grammie.

I fear: fire.

I hear: Simon and Garfunkel singing about “The Only Living Boy In New York”(Garden State soundtrack).

I search: my bag for my keys when I am miles from home.

I wonder: if you’re still reading this.

I regret: only one thing.

I love: my L. My family. My friends. Bunnies. Potato Chips. Diet Pepsi.

I ache: between my temples.

I care: too much about losing this weight.

I always: brush my teeth first thing the morning. I go crazy if I can’t.

I am not: well coordinated.

I dance: like a loon and love it!

I sing: often. “You Don’t Know Me” (Ray Charles) has been my song of the week.

I do not always: brush my teeth before bed.

I should not: worry about whether or not anyone reads this thing.

I write: short stories so short that they’re more like snapshots than stories.

I win: when I play most of the games L has taught me.

I lose: when I play chess with my L.

I confuse: Samuel L. Jackson and Laurence Fishburne.

I listen: to music when I write at work.

I watch: too much television, I think.

I go: crazy with worry about my parents’ health.

I am happy about: going home right now!

Happy weekend!

(Thanks wn! Now who's unoriginal?)

2005-03-30T23:22:00.000-04:00

For once, I’ve been going to the gym instead of bitching about not. Although I did not quite hit my goals for minutes (55 max, 35 average), I made it to the gym three days last week (Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday), went for a 60+ minute walk on Sunday afternoon with my L (all is well) and have been to the gym twice already this week. I went to ball class last Tuesday and had some trouble balancing and a few strange pains in my head, but I took it easy when I needed to and made real progress during the class. I’m really looking forward to going again, but haven’t been able to make it since due to changes in schedules and general tardiness. But that’s okay. BECAUSE I WENT TO THE GYM ANYWAY.

I’ve been cranky as hell, frustrated and impatient with myself, and ticked off about lugging my 12 lb gym bag back and forth to work every day. But every day, EVERY DAY I have gone to the gym I have walked away feeling lighter, stronger and saner. And even on the days that I haven’t made it, I’ve felt better knowing that I’m going back the next. The momentum is building and I am reconstructing my self-image as I go. I’m beginning (again) to think of myself as a person who works out, and soon I will think of myself as a healthy, slimmer person.

I picked up the free fitness magazine on the way out of the gym today, and am going to root around for the fitness magazines I bought last summer (“fitness” is my favourite, actually). When I first joined this gym and started working out (late 2003), a great friend of mine suggested I read fitness magazines to help me establish that “fit” mindset. I thought it was bs at the time, but, you know, it works. Just like reading other people’s weight loss and fitness blogs helps. If I can’t read blogs on the treadmill, I might as well read fitness magazines. Call it my fit immersion program.

* * *

I’ve changed the rta tagline (above) to “Obsessing about my neck fat since 2004”. Apparently, I’m not the only one thinking about neck fat. I had my first google hit the other day – someone looking for exercises to help with neck fat. A friend of mine and I were out to dinner tonight, talking about what those exercises might be – and I’ve realized since then that none of them would work. Chewing would work as well as any of them and, frankly, if that worked I’d have a beautifully sculpted jawline. SIGH I should be so lucky.

* * *

Today has been a long, long day. I had a hard time falling asleep last night, was up early hacking and coughing, and have been busy since I walked out the door for work. And tomorrow is going to be more of the same. So I had better go.

Sweet dreams, everybody. I’m glad you’re out there. Thanks for stopping by.

2005-03-21T16:55:00.000-04:00

Kerri and Krista made great suggestions (massage or manicure/pedicure) that helped me think of the Perfect Thing:

A local spa has an "essentials" package for about $100 -- manicure, pedicure, massage, facial. My friend and I have gone every year for the past three years and hitting the (until now, impossible) 25/30 lb mark would be a great way to justify doing it again this year. If I tell myself that the only way I can go is if I meet my goal AND I book my appointment well in advance, it'll be the perfect incentive.

I might use Kerri's jar idea, too -- putting a little money in the jar every two weeks (or more often) until I reach my goal. If I get to the goal before I save the money, then I'll top it up...and if I get there with money to spare then I'll leave it in for the next time. I hate not being able to spend money, so this should work out very well!

Thanks for your great ideas! I feel more motivated already.

On my way now...the gym beckons!

(OK. It doesn't beckon, but maybe it will (again, eventually) if I start telling myself that now.)

2005-03-20T01:33:00.000-04:00

I'm going back to the gym this coming week. I bought a new pair of gym pants and have my eye on another pair (capris this time) as a treat if I go four times this week.

So, here's the plan:

Monday - Class or Cardio (60 minutes)
Tuesday - Class (30 min) + Cardio (30 min)
Wednesday - Class or Cardio (60 min)
Thursday - Class (30 min) + Cardio (30 min)
Friday - Holiday - Off

Planning my week, checking it off as I go -- that's what worked best for me in the past. I plan the week and write it on a sticky-note, post it on my computer and check off / track my activity each morning. I used to keep a detailed spreadsheet too; activites listed down the side, with a column for each day with details re: minutes, etc., and a running total for each activity. It was always re-assuring and gratifying to go back and see how much I had done in a particular week or month and I actually budgeted for planned days off. I was a little obsessed -- but it worked. I need to make it work again.

I'm planning to reward myself too. I picked out a great jean skirt at Reitmans today, and I have a few other things picked up for follow up rewards. My plan is to reward myself for each of the first four weeks I make it to the gym for four days. After that, I'll bump it to every two weeks (on pay day) as long as I make it eight times in two weeks. I'm going to figure something out for big milestones too. Getting past my usual stopping point will require a big one -- so I'll have to think of something good for the 25/30 lb mark!

Any suggestions?

2005-03-20T00:47:00.000-04:00

My world was rocked by a serious earthquake on Tuesday, and because stress had been gradually applied up until that point, the shifting of my emotional tectonic plates was devastating. I assumed that the damage was irreperable, that the only options were to live in the rubble or move to a new continent, well away from the fault line. Between Tuesday and Friday I built my arguments for an inter-continental shift and decided to refuse to live in the earthquake's mess no matter what. Until the phone rang on Friday night, I didn't think that the emotional funding for disaster relief would come through. After two and a half hours of negotiations, budgets were approved and a decision to rebuild was made, this time with a stronger -- and more flexible -- foundation. All parties are optimistic.

2005-03-16T12:36:00.000-04:00

While everyone else is talking about permanency, marriage, etc, and welcoming their fabulous babies into the world...things in my world are heading in a decidedly different direction. Nothing is definite at the moment, but I'm quite sure I know what the result will be: everyone will be happier in the long run.

I'm not really saying anything about this in my real life yet, so...if you know me, please don't say anything to anyone else. I'll let you know when I know more.

For now, I just had to post something.

Back to regular programming soon.

2005-03-07T16:57:00.000-04:00

Oh look, it’s March. Where’ve I been?

Hiding, I guess. I’m a little embarrassed because I didn’t get back to the gym like I planned. I haven’t been doing too well food-wise, although I have been paying more attention. There have not been any cookies in the house this week, and I’ve been pretty careful otherwise. I actually made supper a couple of nights last week instead of just grazing on corn chips, etc.

Healthwise, my tailbone still aches if I sit too long, and I’ve got another UTI. I think. I’m going to the doctor on Wednesday morning to find out for sure (as long as things don’t get worse in the meantime).

On a positive note, I’ve found lots of inspiration to help re-build my spirits. My new Chatelaine magazine came on Friday and there two articles in particular gave me a lot to think about: Looser Pants by Friday and Keep it Off Forever. The first has ideas for cutting calories throughout the day, and the second has research and tips from real people who lost 25 to 100+ pounds.

Also, I found a book that should help me feed myself better, Grazing by Julie van Rosendaal. In addition to simple, appealing, healthy recipes, the book comes with a great backstory. Julie van Rosendaal lost 165 pounds and she shares bits of her story and lots of tips throughout the book. It’s a great read, even without making any food! I’m planning my next grocery trip around a few of the recipes…There are sample recipes here and here.

Last, but not least, is my weekly Taking It Off fix. This year they’ve expanded the show by half an hour and a second city. I watched the second season of this show in a single day (all but the last episode!) last year, and checked in off and on during the third season…but this season, which includes people from both Calgary and Halifax, has got me in its clutches. My heart breaks for the people as they struggle, and I’m frustrated right along with them when they cheat…and so, so proud when they do well! I want these people to succeed so badly – and really want to do it too.

I’m thinking about all of the big picture reasons and really trying to imagine what it will be like to be thin. There’s part of me, I think, that just doesn’t believe it’s worth it. Part of me does, but I’m having trouble ignoring the part that doesn’t. I’m sick of thinking about it, though, and really look forward to not having to think about it anymore. To finally getting the show on the road, to putting these 70 pounds behind me and finally, finally thinking about it less.

2005-03-03T14:50:00.000-04:00

Here comes The Bride!

I am on the edge of my seat over here...refresh! refresh! refresh!

Matrimony is imminent!

2005-02-24T16:48:00.000-04:00

Thank you, thank you for all of your concern and great suggestions to help me get back on track after my fall. I can’t tell you how much they’ve helped cheer me up. It’s been a week since my fall and I’m feeling a lot better, although I’m still having trouble walking up stairs. I spent the weekend in recovery mode, watching lots of TLC and shows I taped through the week, so by Monday I felt quite a bit better physically and emotionally. It has been another long week, though, so the emotional bits are starting to slip again…but at least life isn’t being overcomplicated by overdue-PMS and ridiculous injuries like it was last week.

SO. Here’s what I can tell you about the past week:

I’ve walked to work four of the past six work days, have walked home five days (these are 10-12 minute trips), and have walked for about twenty minutes (total) at lunch time three or four days. This is (pretty much) my usual schedule but I’m pleased to have kept to it even though I’ve been feeling bad.

[I just saw a white cat jump out of a tree onto a snow covered lawn in front of a white house]

I’ve done okay food-wise. Not great, but okay. I’ve (mostly) avoided medicating with food and have tried to eat only when hungry.

My plan for next week is to start back to the gym. I’m going to take it easy and do cardio on the treadmill (first) and elliptical (as long as it doesn’t hurt too much). Obviously, the bike is out. Depending on timing, I might try to take in a yoga-ish class this weekend too. In the meantime, I’ll keep walking to work, etc, and not having oreos for supper.

Thanks again, ladies. You’re the best.

2005-02-18T16:13:00.000-04:00

I slipped and fell down several icy stairs yesterday morning. Sitting is uncomfortable without padding (natural padding isn’t quite enough, although may have saved me from doing more damage than I did), walking around is uncomfortable but tolerable, and walking up stairs is the worst next to sitting on a bare, wooden chair. Thankfully, only my tailbone and pride were hurt in the fall.

I’ve been sitting up all day today at work (as one does), etc, and I’m really looking forward to some quality time with a hot magic bag. I am not going to self-medicate with Oreos (again) tonight either. Nor will I self-medicate using ketchup chips. Stuffing my face will not make my butt feel better…no matter how much I want it to.

Did you watch Oprah on Monday? It was the boot camp episode and she had a guest on who lost over 100 pounds. She talked about being an emotional overeater and Oprah asked what she does now, instead. The woman (was her name Tawny?) said she's an emotional exerciser now. Well. In theory, it's a great idea. I know it works -- exercise makes me feel better when I'm stressed out -- and I'm going to put it into practice when I'm feeling better. But what am I supposed to do now? I'm hurt and I feel bad. Am I supposed to exercise and push through the pain? Also, how do I motivate myself to go when I feel like I'm having a total meltdown (like earlier this week)? I really don't feel like being around people when I'm like that...and I'm sure they don't want me snotting all over the elliptical or treadmill. It would certainly make me feel better in the end...but in the moment, oh, it's just too f*&^ing hard.

I really, really need your suggestions. Help. Please.

2005-02-17T11:47:00.000-04:00

Taken during my walk home on Tuesday.

2005-02-15T15:59:00.000-04:00

Sorry about the wait.

I've had a rough couple of days. Nothing extraordinary, but I've had lots on my proverbial plate. "Me time" has taken a bit of a backseat in the past week and it's starting to take its toll. There was a little unexpected crying last night, and some more this morning. I'm tired, and I just want to put my head down and rest a while.

I'll be back in another day or two.

2005-02-08T15:50:00.000-04:00

Based on what I have learned at my nutrition classes, and what I already know, from a purely mathematical perspective, the following is (theoretically) true:

70 lbs = What I need to lose
1 lb = 3 500 cal
70 lbs = 245 000 cal

-1 lb/wk = -3 500 cal/wk
-1 lb/wk = -500 cal/day

1.34 years = -70 lbs
16.6 months = -70 lbs
70 weeks = -70 lbs
490 days = -70 lbs

THEORETICALLY.

How's that for reality?

2005-02-08T15:45:00.000-04:00

I didn't go to the gym on Friday after work, but -- I walked home after running a couple of errands uptown. It was a half hour walk and surprisingly demanding. I always underestimate the effect of walking down that hill. I could still feel my shins aching on Saturday and Sunday.

Saturday and Sunday involved a lot of housecleaning, grocery shopping, walking, a bit of swimming, and a lot of eating. My L and I celebrated our first anniversary as a twosome on Sunday/Monday, so we went out for brunch on Sunday before going our separate ways (how romantical!). Further anniversary celebrations kept me from the gym yesterday, but it was worth it. We had a fun date and a nice evening together.

Back to reality...

I'm going to the gym after work today. Because I missed yesterday, I'll have to be sure to do 30 minutes each day this week (so I come out even/a little ahead by week's end). I'm looking foward to it. Or, at least, that's what I'm telling myself.

2005-02-08T15:36:00.000-04:00

Written on Friday, posted on Tuesday:

My legs hurt. It feels wonderful.

I’ve slept better this week than I have in ages. I’ve slept deeply, restfully every night since Monday.

My mind seems a little more clear. I’m still dealing with serious writer’s block (not here) and am frustrated by that, but I’m finally making progress. I think. Maybe. It’s hard to tell.

My anxiety seems to be lower this week, too. I haven’t been plagued by my usual fidgety-ness this week.

2005-02-03T16:33:00.000-04:00

I have been to the gym every day this week. Every. Day.

I’ve been struggling to go at all, but realize that I need to make it part of my weekday routine. If I can’t make it on the weekend, then I need to go every weekday after work. Period. So, on Monday, I did 20 minutes (+ cooldown) on the elliptical. On Tuesday, I did another 20 minutes on the elliptical. I had a hard time convincing myself to go that day, but I felt better by the time I left.

Yesterday, I started out on the bikes. Ten minutes into that, an old gym friend stopped by and encouraged me to come to the class she was teaching in five minutes. She described it – cardio + strength w/ lots of core – and I decided to go for it. Another friend stopped by to tell me that she had seen me around this week and to quietly encourage me to keep coming to the gym…Their empathy and encouragement was really uplifting. The class, though? It was exhausting. Wonderful, all in all, but exhausting.

I really struggled to stay out of my own way, and out of the way of the people on either side of me. Actually, I worried about trampling the people ahead of and behind me, too. I felt like a drunken elephant most of the time, and cringed as I struggled with the move patterns everyone else seemed to be pros at. They would go right, and I would go left. With a smile and a word or two, the skinny chicks raved about how much fun they were having and I wondered if my heart really was going to pound out of my chest. They swung their 5 lb barbells overhead effortlessly while I dreamed of trading in my 3’s. My whole body felt like it was made of lead. Sweaty, gasping lead, but lead nevertheless. My shirt was wringing wet when I crawled out of the room (I stayed until the end), and my muscles are sore today…but I know I’ll go again next week. Partly because the skinny chicks were right – it was fun -- and partly because I know I'm not alone.

Overheard after class:

Lady I Trampled #1: Look at that, would you! (nodding toward cute, skinny, coordinated girl from the front row)

Lady I Trampled #2: Ah. I say bury her. Then we won't have to look at her.

2005-02-02T10:48:00.000-04:00

30 more of my 100 Things

51. I’m a packrat.

52. Clutter follows me wherever I go.

53. Despite 51 & 52, I feel better when everything is orderly, accessible and tidy.

54. I have been thinking – quite seriously – about becoming a doula or midwife.

55. I'm afraid of heights.

56. I'm afraid of fire.

57. I’m afraid of drowning.

58. I know how to swim.

59. Junebugs give me the willies.

60. I’m allergic to cats.

61. I once lived in a house where my landlady bred cats. At times, the cat count was 20+. The “stud” loved me, and used to “groom” my long hair if I wasn’t paying attention, and my landlady asked me to cat sit from time to time.

62. I like cats, but

63. I’m really more of a dog person.

64. I was 26 before I tried to get my driver’s licence.

65. I studied sociology while in university.

66. I often think about going to grad school but

67. I don’t know whether I would study sociology (exclusively) or not.

68. I started writing my first novel while in elementary school.

69. I own many collections of short stories, but

70. I prefer to read novels; nevertheless, as a grown up,

71. I think my writing style is better suited to short stories.

72. As a kid, I studied piano, ukulele and flute.

73. I’ve always been a very good speller.

74. My first word was “stretch”.

75. When I was very young, I once promised my mother I would never run away (I saw previews for a movie about runaways that scared me to death).

76. I seriously considered running away many times during high school but wouldn’t because of #75.

77. I look a lot like my mother.

78. I own jewellery given by my grandfather to my grandmother (locket), and by my father to my mother.

79. When my grandmother gave the locket to me, I decided that I would wear it as my “something old” during my own wedding. I still hope to. Whenever that may be.

80. I’m (usually) very good at interpreting dreams.

2005-02-01T17:41:00.000-04:00

I went to the gym yesterday. I'm going again tonight.

I now weight 218.5 and I am NOT HAPPY about it.

2005-02-01T17:34:00.000-04:00

50 of my 100 Things*

1. I’m a procrastinator.

2. I’m a perfectionist.

3. I love to read.

4. I usually have a few books on the go at a time.

5. My favourite books as a pre-teen were about time travel (A Handful of Time by Kit Pearson and The Root Cellar by Janet Lunn were favourites).

6. My top five desert island books are A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving, Oscar & Lucinda by Peter Carey, The Republic of Love by Carol Shields, To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee and The Giant Jam Sandwich by John Vernon Lord.

7. I love to knit, but

8. I’m a slow knitter, and

9. Knitting sometimes makes my shoulders ache.

10. I always have several knitting projects on the go because

11. I find it really difficult to complete any project.

12. I’m easy to please, but

13. I’m rarely pleased with myself.

14. I collect postcards.

15. My favourite colour is Tiffany blue.

16. I take good care of the plants in my office.

17. I do not take good care of the plants in my home.

18. Regardless, I think I have a green thumb.

19. I love African violets, daisies and irises.

20. Violets remind me of my Mum and Grammie.

21. Daisies remind me of my childhood.

22. Wild irises remind me of my hometown.

23. Sometimes, I think about becoming a plumber.

24. More often, I think about teaching.

25. My favourite job to date was at an independent bookstore.

26. My current job runs a close second.

27. I haven’t always been overweight but

28. I’ve almost always thought I was overweight/chubby.

29. I love movies

30. My favourite movies include Lilies of the Field, Sleepless in Seattle and Amelie.

31. I kept an online journal (elsewhere) from August 1998 – November 1999.

32. I can speak and write in French, although I often lack the confidence to do so.

33. I’ve never been to France.

34. I have wanted to visit

Australia

since I was nine.

35. I have had penpals (the old fashioned kind) in Australia and Finland.

36. I have two younger siblings.

37. I’m clumsy.

38. I have a good memory.

39. I’m scatterbrained.

40. I have at least a million freckles.

41. I have a brown spot, like a freckle, on one of my eyes.

42. I have blue eyes.

43. I have pierced ears.

44. I rarely take baths.

45. Peanuts is my all-time favourite cartoon, probably because my Grammie used to hang a purse full of the Saturday comics off her guest (i.e. “my”) room’s doorknob. Peanuts was always on the front page.

46. I read For Better or For Worse almost every day.

47. I love fresh bread, real butter and honey. Together. Separate. Whatever.

48. In shoes, I wear a women’s size nine.

49. In sneakers, I wear a men’s size seven.

50. I dream about running

[The other 50 will follow sometime...See #1 & 11 ]

* Pardon meme.**

** And pardon the pun.

2005-01-31T14:58:00.000-04:00

I tried something new/old today and am having technical difficulty. Bear with me if you see a "test" post. I'll get rid of it as soon as I can.

Happy Monday!

Updated, Tuesday: Apparently, the posts I sent via email are never going to show up.

2005-01-27T16:11:00.000-04:00

Another lonely crow.

2005-01-27T11:20:00.000-04:00

When I find myself reading old journal entires or notes to myself, I’m always interested in timing. More than a few times, I’ve found entries written just before life took a significant turn where I’ve said things like “Everything seemed to rush forward for a while. And now, suddenly, my world seems quiet. I wonder what’s going to happen next…” These entries are usually followed by long stretches of nothing. Tectonic shifts in my life seem to happen with little or no record, other than two or three lines summing things up when I come out of it, usually months later.

Last night, I found a list I wrote almost exactly one year ago of things I was happy about and/or progress I was seeing as a direct result of my then 5-6 days/week gym schedule. I had been in that routine for about three months at that point and feeling good. Looking back, I feel a little sad. I was doing so well, and I was so sure I’d keep doing it forever. Unlike other entries that make me cringe (i.e. where I mooned over boys who “just weren’t that into me”), this one makes me said that I didn’t live up to that dream. And although part of me wonders what I’d be like to day if I had kept going, and how much progress I might have made but didn’t….what I’m really sad about is disappointing myself. Letting that hopeful self of mine down. What I didn’t know then is that I was two weeks away from the worst cold/bronchitis I’ve had in a long time. It was May 1 before I was completely free of the thing again, and by then I’d lost my momentum and started gaining weight again.

I’m sorry if you’re tired of reading about how I’ve failed in some way. Or about how I’m making plans and getting nowhere. I’m just a little gunshy and am terrified of these bogeyment. What if I just get started again and get sidetracked by illness? What if I lose 15 pounds only (again) only to regain 30 (again)? What if…? [Seems to me there used to be a young adult novel by Norma Klein called The Queen of the What-ifs. I’m her today. Only without the teen angst and over the shirt petting.]

Moving on…

I have made actual progress again. It’s a fact.

After setbacks in weeks two and three, I’m tracking all of my food again. I’m eating breakfast every day, avoiding fried things and trying to eat supper every day (So hard! Why is is so hard!). Fruit and milk-wise, I’m getting cheese and apple juice into me at least once a day, so that’s progress too…and I’m working on vegetables. They’re still not my first choice, but I’m working on it.

For information and further support, I’ve joined a ‘healthy eating’ course offerred by a local dietitian. The goal isn’t to reduce by a certain number – we aren’t being weighed – but to work on our skills and make changes to help eat more healthfully. I’m really hoping it will be helpful. The first session was held earlier this week and I walked away feeling better about things. If nothing else, I know I’m on the right track. Her first tip and our first goal – eat breakfast everyday. Way ahead of you, sister!

***

Haircut Report: Still great! What a difference a haircut makes! I still need to go back and thank my hairdo guy. He saved me from a freakout that day/week, I think.

***

Book Report: I finished The Da Vinci Code last week. It was a good departure from my usual, and it gave my book group plenty to talk about. I’m not sure what to read next. I have lots in my “to read” pile, including Hunger’s Brides, Garbo Laughs and A Complicated Kindness, but nothing’s really begging for my attention. Should I track down a copy of The Way the Crow Flies or re-read an old favourite like Oscar & Lucinda or A Prayer for Owen Meany?
Suggestions anybody? What's the best book you've read lately? Tell me, please...I need something good to read, something that says "Read me, Seymour!"

2005-01-20T23:09:00.000-04:00

Today turned out to be a snow day. I've had a lot of time to think.

* * *

I went to the gym twice last week. Monday and Tuesday. On Wednesday, my neck was aching badly. Taking it easy, giving myself a break seemed like a good idea. It had been aching for days and I wanted a little downtime. So I took it. In the moment, I knew I was breaking a new pattern, but I was sure I’d make it on Thursday. By Thursday night, though, going directly home after work just seemed easier. Friday night was booked from the moment I walked out my office door, so the gym didn’t happen that night…and when I arrived at home to find water in my bedroom thanks to the rain, I all but threw my food journal out the window. How can I be expected to eat well when bad things are happening? How can I be expected to eat well when there’s a good chance that this problem is just going to recur?*

I went grocery shopping on Saturday afternoon and stuck closely to my list. I had given a lot of thought to things I needed, wanted to try and knew I’d enjoy. I stuck closely to my list, but often thought “I deserve a treat because everything is such a mess at the apartment…” And I gave in. I bought a few extra things and soothed my nerves with food. In the moment, I ignored it. Later, I enjoyed the food. Even later, I thought about why eating feels good.

I can give you (and me) a thousand reasons why eating makes me feel good, psychoanlyse myself into the next decade…but I just can’t get past it. I’m beginning to notice, though, that I only eat when I’m really hungry (and then eat the easiest, best tasting, bad thing I can find) or to either celebrate or stifle some emotion. There’s little thought of food as fuel. I get bored when I purposefully try to feed myself. I’m selfconscious about it, even in my own home. It feels strange to make myself a meal, a pot of soup, etc. Maybe it’s about self-worth…maybe I don’t think I’m worth the time. I don’t know. I hate chores. Maybe it’s that I just hate to make myself do any kind of chore. My time should be for fun, not for making work for myself.

* * *

I had a strange moment earlier today. I read someone's** latest entry and followed a link to a WW boosting plan. Although I automatically thought “I’m too bad to eat that little” and “I’m not strict enough for that”, my curiosity was piqued. So picked up a pencil, found a post it and started writing down the point values for my weight group. And it dawned on me as I wrote it out that I’m in the 200-224 lb group.

I know. No shit, Sherlock.

Hear me out. Have you ever known something without really getting it? Thought about, agonized about, recognized, realized…but just didn’t get it? I spent years thinking it would be nice to be 40 lbs lighter. That’s all it would have taken to be in the 140 to 150 lb range. Suddenly, I’ve gained another 30-35 pounds and that goal weight is a lot further away. It will take a 75 lb loss to get me to 140. I’ve been thinking about how much I need to lose, but I didn’t really get it until I wrote those numbers down today. Coincidentally (and maybe this was the real catalyst), I read an old journal entry I read this morning where I described how desperately I wanted to just lose 40 lbs and how I’d give anything to be “as fat as I was in high school – 145 lbs!” Hell, now I’d really like to be as “fat” as I was when I wrote that entry.

This is never going to be any easier than it is right now. Which is pretty difficult to appreciate given how hard it all feels at the moment.

* * *

I’m going to bed now, but I’m going to take my food journal to work with me tomorrow. I will not eat cookies for breakfast (even with milk, they’re not a good breakfast, dammit!). I will drink water. I will eat three meals tomorrow, even if that means making myself a pot of soup.

* * *

Surprisingly, my weight is down a couple of pounds this week. So that’s something.

* * *

* I didn’t tell you about the water in my bedroom over Christmas, did I? In both cases, it rained after a cold snap and the water ran right over the surface of the ground and in through a (then undiagnosed) crack in my building’s foundation. At Christmas, we thought it was a fluke. When it happened last Friday, it was clearly something more…and the thought of dealing with it all winter/spring just overwhelmed me. Sure, my landlord did most of the cleanup, but the disruption (moving the bed, pulling the carpet and underlay back, running a dehumidifier as much as possible, babysitting a floor that shouldn’t need more than my passing attention, etc etc) was a real drag. I didn’t freak out, didn’t waste my energy being mad…I just let it drag me down. Thankfully, my landlords called in an expert who came by yesterday. He was able to diagnose and repair the problem within a few hours. Just in time for today’s snowstorm. Cross your fingers that everything stays dry the next time it rains.

** I'll have to find the proper link tomorrow...I thought it was over at hello i am fat, but I was wrong...Read her, though. She's great!***

***Also great: The Longest Mile. Recommended by Erin a while ago and so, so worth the read.

2005-01-20T11:42:00.000-04:00

It's snowy and grey here today. These are the days when I love winter. When it's only -5 and the air is still...other than a few billion snowflakes, of course! They're calling for 15-25 cm today. School was cancelled before anyone even left the house and all of the grownups are saying "When I was a kid, they never cancelled school on spec!"

[Believe it or not, this picture is in focus...but the snow gives everything a hazy look.]

2005-01-18T10:10:00.000-04:00

The Rummel-Hudsons are in Chicago this week to see about Schuyler's monster. Pray. Think strong, protective thoughts. Send them whatever good wishes you have in your heart. It'll help. I just know it.

2005-01-14T17:07:00.000-04:00

I’m feeling much better today. I went for a haircut after work yesterday and it was a real kick in the ass. I was squawky when I got there, cranky about the days I’d been having, and frustrated because I thought my hair looked scraggly, unkempt and awful. It was shoulder length and although we’ve spent quite a while trying to get it to that length, it just wasn’t working.

When my hairdo guy asked me what was what, I started railing about how it had been awful since about ten days after the last cut*. I told him that I had tried everything and that I neeeeeeeded him to cut the scraggly bits at the back off (they were hanging lower than the rest and contributing to my crankiness) and give me something I could deal with. I told him that it wasn’t just a whim, that I had been thinking about it almost nonstop for two weeks, and I needed something that would seem “done”. I told him I felt fat and awful and I needed a makeover.

He’s a sympathetic guy as a rule, and knows I’m not very high maintenance where hair is concerned, but I think my appointment caught us both on a bad day. I told him to come out with it, tell me what he thought, and he suggested that maybe I had just been lazy this month. That maybe I hadn’t really tried, after all, there didn’t seem to be any product in my hair, etc etc, but that if I couldn’t handle what I had, he’d give me something I could manage.

At which point, I got a little scared. He got to work and after trying to make small talk for a while, I closed my eyes and stopped talking altogether.

The result?

Well, it’s short. Shorter than it has been in ages. Probably a year or more ago short. Maybe two years ago short. I was in shock when I walked out of the shop because it was so different, and so much shorter, than what I had expected. As he worked on it he told me he was going to take it up a bit here and there so I wouldn’t end up with something bowl-like. He told me he’d look after it and make sure it would’t flip out or look bad. He knows me, the fine, sproinginess of my hair and everyone of my cowlicks. He knew what he was doing. And he knew, better than I did, what I really needed.

A fresh start.

I feel like myself again.

And I owe him big time.

* L pointed out that he may have taken all of this as an insult. I can see that now, but at the time it never occurred to me. I was such an asshole yesterday.

2005-01-13T11:23:00.000-04:00

I was angry yesterday. I guess I still am.

Angry about having to point everything I eat, about having to eat less, about having to work hard to lose weight...and about how very far I have to go.

Angry, too, about never being able to get beyond 15 pounds and how knowing that makes me want to not even bother starting.

Angry because I don't just feel fat in my torso and thighs...I feel fat in my face. Even at rest, sitting quietly, staring at the monitor, I feel like the flesh is closing in around my eyes and as though a wall of flesh hangs from my lower eyelids straight down to my chest.

Angry because, when I looked in the mirror, all I could see was a hairdo that needs re-doing, and a barely perceptible chin. Imagine a face made of cloth, with jawline and chin defined by a row of stitches. Now imagine each of those stitches has let go, the cloth is hanging and there are only three little stitches left, at the very front, where a pointy chin used to be. That's my face.

That's how I felt.

That's how I feel -- like a crumbling wall of skin and fat. There's lots I can do to fix it, but the foundation is weak (I think I'm lazy) and I'm afraid I won't have enough motivation or ambition to start the job, let alone finish it.

2005-01-11T17:07:00.000-04:00

Status Report:

I weighed myself this morning. Apparently, I’m still at 216. However, I discovered that my scale resets itself after each weigh in (raising and lowering the total if it feels like it), so I think I’m going to have to weigh in at the gym if I want an accurate reading. So, I’ll do that when I get there tonight.

I met my big goals for the week. I had breakfast every week day, and something soon after I got up on Saturday. I had supper every day but one (I had a nap instead that day). I wrote down everything I ate and made sure that the food I ate was food I chose, and not just food that chose me (i.e. chosen by default). I DID NOT EAT COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST. I wanted to a couple of times, but I didn’t. Also, I didn’t drink any diet pepsi before lunch all week. I feel pretty good about my food choices, and I feel really good about writing everything down. The first seven pages of my book look great! I’m proud of myself for setting and meeting last week’s goals.

One of the things I talked about doing was pointing my food at the end of the week to see if I had been on track. Like I say, I felt pretty good about things and though I might be pretty close to my target (about 30 pts/day including flex). Well, as it turns out, I was pretty far off:

Tue ~ 50
Wed ~ 38.5
Thu ~ 48
Fri ~ 42
Sat ~ 44
Sun ~ 25
Mon ~ 54

Also, I had 9 fried things this week (not at nine different sittings, though – two of nine were chicken nuggets and french fries, for example). Not the 3 fried things I hope to get it down to but I was mindful and avoided it a few times. I had two days without any fried foods and other than last Tuesday, I did not eat ANY potato chips. So that’s something. A big something, actually. [Remember, please, that my goals this week were just to write everything down and eat mindfully. Not to cut back to 30 points or anything – just to watch what I was doing. And that’s what I did, so I’m proud of myself for that.]

So, this week, I’m keeping the goals that worked:

Keep writing everything down.
Keep tracking water and fried foods.
Keep eating breakfast and supper.
Don’t eat cookies for breakfast.

I’m going to keep working on:

Eating 1 fruit +1 veg each day (I had one or the other each day this week, but not both).

And I’m adding the following:

Start back to the gym. Try to go every day from Monday to Thursday after work (I went yesterday).
‘Point’ my food daily.
Make 33 points per day my goal (last week’s average was 43) for the week.

Wish me luck!

* * *

As for this week…

I went to the gym yesterday. I did 45 minutes on the treadmill and tried to focus on how good it felt. As annoying and pervasive as they were, I did not let the staring of the stick insects or the worrying of the student loan kids get on my nerves. I ignored them (even the skinny little cow who raised her nose ever so slightly after checking me out) and slid into my old groove. After twenty minutes, I stepped off, checked to make sure no one was waiting (every machine was in use, but no one was glaring) and hopped back on for another 25 minutes. It was crowded but, all in all, totally worth it. I felt refreshed and satisfied, and I had a great sleep last night.

I am DEFINITELY going to the gym again today.

* * *

Weather report:

It's currently -8 C (17.6 F) but feels like –14 C (7 F) thanks to 15 km/h winds.

Believe it or not, it’s supposed to rain on Thursday!

Cross your fingers for my basement, please! I do not need another flood!

2005-01-10T16:22:00.000-04:00

WIP #1

One of many WIPs (works in progress), but my current focal project. Also, for those who may have doubted me: it's proof that I can knit!

In case you're wondering what it is...it's the first in a pair of rainbow socks for my sister. I hope to give them to her birthday. Of course, I'm a little slow, knit-wise, so it's hard to say which year she'll receive them. I knit a sweater for my niece a year or two ago that took about six months longer than it should have...and there's always the other pair of socks, a scarf or two, and a handful of dishcloths waiting for me on the needles at home too!

2005-01-07T13:49:00.000-04:00

It snowed here last night and it's far milder today -- only -7 C (19 F), and virtually windfree. I had hoped to catch a picture of the snow falling this morning, but I was too slow getting out the door. By the time I left for work, the fluffy stuff had stopped and only a few light, dancing flakes were left. Instead, here's a photo from my lunchtime adventures:

Winter

Speaking of lunch -- I ate kind of poorly. HOWEVER, I was good yesterday (nothing fried, only one diet pepsi, healthy supper) so I'm not going to give myself a hard time about it! I think I'll need about a gallon of water to flush all of the salt out of my system, though. Writing everything down is really helping, though, and I hope by Monday there will be at least an incremental difference on the scales. Regardless, I'm getting back on the treadmill on Monday to help get things moving and I'll be reevaluating my goals for the new week...I may need to start pointing as I go if things aren't working out.

I picked up a couple of sock patterns while I was out, too, so I'll be able to finish a pair I have in progress and move beyond just swatching with my new yarn (I picked up two balls of 'Crazy Hot' while I was away). I'm more interested in the new yarn than the old , and I think it will work up a lot faster, but I have a bit of guilt about abandoning last year's socks (made with a yarn kind of like #92, only with purples and blues)without even finishing the first one. I'm hoping I'll make progress on both with two pairs on the go...I'll be able to switch off when I get tired of staring at one or the other. I've got a soft scarf on the go that should provide some distraction, too. Anything to keep me from snacking in front of the TV.

And speaking of TV -- has anyone seen Medium? I think it's going to be pretty good show. The premise is interesting but I'm hoping the main character will develop a little more. She got on my nerves a bit in the pilot, but I think she'll hit her stride pretty quickly. We'll see, anyway. And did anyone see West Wing this week? It just keeps getting better and better...and I can't wait to see Josh and Donna square off as they back Santos and Russell!

2005-01-06T14:46:00.000-04:00

Congratulations DietGirl!!!

2005-01-06T12:59:00.000-04:00

I’ve felt, for the past couple of days, like I’m coming down with something. It started while I was away on the weekend, but I chalked it up to allergies and carried on. Well, I’m still carrying on and now I’ve started to cough a bit. Not a lot yet, but a little. And I’m definitely becoming congested.

BUT…

I’m not letting it get me down or off track. This week’s primary goal is track everything I eat.* And just by watching what I’m doing, I find myself doing better. I’m trying to consciously eat 4-5 times per day, instead of twice plus continual snacking whenever I feel like it. At this point, I would say that I’m more satisfied this way. Of course, it’s only Day 3.

I’ve had breakfast all three days and yesterday noted that 10:30 is too late for breakfast. If I wait that long, I’m really tempted to choose badly (milk and cookies for breakfast, for example). So, today I had breakfast at 9:00. I had multigrain cheerios, 500 ml of skim milk (part on the cereal, the rest to drink) and a small handful of almonds. And it was enough. I didn’t snack through the morning (although I was ready if hunger struck) and I’ve just finished a good, warm** lunch. I feel pretty good really. Satisfied, not overly full. Now all I need to do is make it through the afternoon (I still have those snacks) and actually make myself something for supper.

Making supper is the tough part. Not because it’s difficult, necessarily, but because I have no attention span and I hate doing dishes. I have a fast fry steak ready throw on my little george grill, and lots of easy things for wraps…but when I get home, all I really want to do is sit on the couch. As easy as wraps are, a handful of cookies or chips is even easier.

* I’m still going to try to get to the gym in the next couple of days, but it’s going to be a bigger focus next week. If I do end up sick, I’m going to track everything I eat even if I’m not able to get going at the gym as planned.

* * It’s SO cold today. –17 C (0 F to you in the US) and with the windchill it’s –26 C (-15 F). The best and worst part? Eventually, in another month or so when it’s –30 C (-22 F) plus windchill, this will seem warm.

2005-01-04T21:50:00.000-04:00

It’s Back to Basics Day and I’m back in business. I’ve been thinking a lot about how to get everything started for the new year. I didn’t have much success in 2004, health and weight-wise, although I had high hopes when the year began. If I’m smart – and lucky – 2005 will turn out a lot better.

I developed my pre-Christmas plan a little further over the weekend and, upon arriving home yesterday after another (the last) holiday trip, I really put on my thinking cap. I thought about what I like to eat, what I’ve been craving for the past few weeks and what my weaknesses are. I considered my feelings about exercise, what made me feel good when I went and what kept me going regularly. I thought, too, about what derailed me, what kept me from going again and sticking with it despite my many past plans and proclamations.

There’s no one answer to any of these questions, but I’m really going to try to make food and exercise as easy and appealing as possible. While working on my grocery list and plans last night, I thought about the foods I’ve been craving lately and made sure they made it onto the list. I bought some of my favourite low fat snacks, and picked up things to bring for lunches and snacks at work.

I copied my pre-Christmas list into my agenda, made a trip to the grocery store (I’m going back for fresh vegetables and chicken soon – everything was picked over by last night thanks to the holiday and back-to-school), and set goals for the week.

This week I will:

Eat breakfast and two snacks everyday (plus lunch and supper, of course!);
Make supper or clear supper plans every night (chips do not equal supper);
Record all of the food I eat (including the “bad” ones that I usually leave off out of shame);
Watch my portion sizes (moderation is my only concern);
Avoid/reduce fried food intake;
Go to the gym three times – twice on weekdays, once on the weekend.

I also weighed myself at home last night. 216 is the number I want to avoid seeing again. I’m not too stressed that I’m at 216 (a pound higher than my last false-start date). Compared to last week’s dream (and real fear) that I somehow gained another 15+ pounds, 216 looks pretty good.

For now, I’m not going to set a target weight. I’m just going to work on it. I have 36 lbs by June 30 in mind…6 lbs per month for 6 months…but I’m a little afraid of targets. I have set and met targets in the past, but I tend to stop when I reach them…which is fine if I’m setting longterm goals, but not so hot if I’m setting shorter term ones (i.e. 6 lbs/6 months). And I wonder if that’s too fast. If my natural pace is slower and I’m happy working away at that pace, then there may not be any advantage in pushing myself to make it happen sooner. In fact, that might only push me off the wagon. SO. I’m keeping 6x6 in mind, but I’m not going to worry about it. 4 lbs x 4 months would be good too…I’d be at 200 by May 1 that way…see?! Targets make me CRAZY!

* * *

Day 1 is going okay. A minor hiccup in the middle when lunch was severely delayed by a couple of appointments that ran behind schedule, but I chose well (a happy meal over the big, juicy mcchicken combo I really wanted) so I’m happy. I had breakfast this morning, wrote everything down all day, and have had very little pop. I’m going to take an extra snack with me to work tomorrow (I had only one with me today as I expected to pick something up in the lunchroom) and will take enough for breakfast even though I’ll be (probably) spending the night chez L. I’ll be off for supper at Subway with a friend shortly, too.

* * *

Otherwise, I’ve started knitting a new scarf and picked up some rainbow-coloured sock yarn. The plan is to turn that yarn into a present for my sister, but who knows what holiday she’ll get them for…her birthday is only five months away…and I’m so slow with socks that it’ll be at least Christmas…and likely not this one!!

* * *

Update: I’m on my own at home tonight, which works out well(-ish)…I’m starting to feel sick and need the rest, I think. So, I’m off now…for apple juice, a new magazine and bed.

Night, night.

2005-01-04T16:56:00.000-04:00

I didn’t mean to disappear for so long, but I was sucked into the swirling vortex of the holidays and unable to clear space for writing until now. I hope your holidays were happy and safe.

I considered writing a post all about my holidays, but I’ll spare you. Suffice it to say, for now, that they were safe, busy and blissful and the only tears* came when, on Christmas Eve, I opened a special photograph of my grandmother as a young woman. I made a few trips to visit with loved ones over the holidays and spent lots of time relaxing with only my L for company.

More about Back on Track Day (today!) soon.

*Believe me, I could have cried when I came home to a flooded bedroom after a few days at my mother's...but I didn't.

2004-12-22T11:37:00.000-04:00

2004-12-21T15:55:00.000-04:00

New comments set up. Woohoo!

2004-12-21T15:20:00.000-04:00

Yesterday’s post about skor bars and my lack of guilt was b.s. I did eat several skor bars and, it’s true, I didn’t have any real guilt about eating them…but I felt embarassed and a little shameful about eating several of them while surrounded by coworkers. As long as they don’t see me eating like that, I can fool myself into believing that they haven’t made the connection between my foul eating habits and my weight gain. They may, occasionally, see me going with a bag of chips or a couple of cookies, but they don’t see where and when I do the real damage. They don’t see me eating cookies for breakfast or supper, ordering deep fried badness for lunch a few times a week, or inhaling chips while organizing supper…to the point that I don’t feel like eating supper after all. They might see me drinking diet pepsi everyday, but I fill my water bottle everyday and seem to drink most of it (about 750 ml) and that’s a good thing…but about 1 cup of water goes to the plants most days. The plants are doing great, but I’m starting to feel pickled.

So, like I said yesterday, I’ve decided that January 4, 2005 is Back to Basics Day.

I’m going to clean out my fridge and cupboards on January 3rd, and effective January 4th, I’m going to:

Weigh myself once a week.

Track everything I eat whether I like it or not.

‘Point’ all of my food – I’m going to take it a week at a time and set goals as needed.

Remember what the nutritionist told me last year about frequency, portion control, etc.

Eat vegetables AND fruit every day. Even one serving of each is better than none.

Reduce consumption of deep fried foods – likely no more than 1 serving (each) of fries, chips and other fried things per week (for a total of three deep fried things per week). I’m addicted now and don’t want to derail myself by saying I can’t have any. If get everything else under control, there shouldn’t be room for any more than that anyway (if that much, for that matter).

Increase my weekly visits to the gym (funny, I originally wrote “weakly”). Unlike last year, and as planned earlier this fall, I’m going to set the bar pretty low. I’m going to check the new schedule at the gym and build a few classes into my life and be sure that I spend at least an hour at the gym at least three times a week. I’ll build from there, but won’t let myself get back up to six and seven trips a week again. That, frankly, turns me into a disaster waiting to happen. Three visits is manageable, reasonable, maintainable.

Ensure that I build exercise into my weekends.

Stop eating cookies for breakfast. Period.

Stop drinking pop before lunch.

Plan my meals – I’m going to look for recipes and try building meals and snack lists between now and then so I’m ready when the time comes.

Keep track of how many of these goals I meet each day/week and give myself credit for it.

(Try to) Stop letting one bad choice/day ruin my day/week/month.

Knit more (keep my hands busy).

Read more (keep my mind busy).

Write about all of it here.

In the meantime, I’m going to print this list off and post it at home right away. I’m going to look forward to getting better by treating myself better. I’m going to keep the list in mind as I make choices over the holidays, but I’m not going to worry too much about my junk consumption between now and then. I imagine that as I look forward, these things will start taking care of themselves.

I’m not thinking of these as true new year’s resolutions. I’m making a date with myself and making plans to do better. Sure, the new year is a good time to start…but I’ve never actually planned my resolutions before…I’ve just started the year, thrown around an idea or two…and have ended up throwing them out by the fifth.

I want 2005 to be different. 2004 has been such a good, forward-moving year life-wise. Emotionally and financially, I’m much stronger than I was in January. If I can say next December that those things are still going strong and that I’ve made progress body- and health-wise, I’ll call next year a big success too.

* * *

In other news, my mood has improved exponentially. Although I’m tired from the hustle and bustle of the holidays (and know I’ll be even more tired in another week), I feel good. In addition to getting things back on track food and exercise-wise, I’m going to clean my apartment in time for the new year. That way, I’ll really be starting with a clean slate.

* * *

I’m reading another good book – Midwives by Chris Bohjalian. I’m so caught up in it, desperate to finish…but wondering what I’m going to read next. I’ve read four good books in a row…I wonder what I’ll find to (hopefully) keep lucky streak going. Any suggestions? Help me find something good to read please!

* * *

By the way, I’ve been reading and enjoying The Longest Mile (found via Erin) and Pair Up, Pare Down (via Melissa). Thought you might like to read them too if you haven’t found them already.

2004-12-20T16:36:00.000-04:00

I have eaten about a pound of skor squares today -- and I feel no guilt!

Tuesday, January 4, 2005 will be back to basics day.

2004-12-16T16:29:00.000-04:00